Sunday, February 15, 2009

the call and the consequences

i just couldn't stop myself.I had to call her today.I got the news that her old number is still working from my friend Akhil.I was with my sister at that time.
I told her i want to talk to her...
She asked me bro why do u want to do this?what would you get by calling her.
i said tomorrow i don't want to think that i should have called her today.So we decided on sending an SMS.i sent an SMS..but it remained pending.So i walked out of the room and called her....she was on another call so i kept on ringing till the connection was timed out i.e. my cell displayed no answer.
I called again..again busy...after 6 bells she picked up..
me: hi ******** vicky bol raha hoon(hi ******** vicky speaking)
she: hi
me:happy valentine's day to you
she:thank you
me:where have u been ,no news nothing,haven't been in touch
she:i am in Lucknow doing my training
me:in TCS??
she: no
me:what platform
me:so you are going in that stream now
she:when ur call came i was on other call from home.They are on hold.we will talk later.
me:ok bye

call disconnected

i was nervous by that time,couldn't breathe properly.Maybe it's my weak heart.
anyways i went into the room and whispered into my sister's ear..y do i get so nervous when i talk to her..?but we weren't alone so couldn't talk.
anyways i didn't call her again.I felt like i was shot again,i thought and i am still thinking why am i doing this to myself and still i'm looking to never give her up.Why?Why?why? i can't find an answer.i am feeling like a neglected fruit.
i called up sheetal(our common friend) when i reached home and asked y didn't u tell me she's in lucknow..she said,it was not a big thing ..and i thought it wasn't important.I think of sheetal as my sis and she cares for me,scolds me too.
she said i don't know why are you doing this brother...she doesn't care about you.Y do u care for her so much.Don't think so much about her.Please concentrate on your studies and career.i want to see u at the place where you should be.
she also told me that whenever she talks to her she can't talk about me and whenever she talks to me she can't talk about her. "what happened to our friend circle bro.It's not the same anymore.You keep focus on your career and don't think too much."

then i called Akhil ..and told him about the conversation(if it was one),i asked him how long did she talked to you(he had called her earlier.He told me that at first his call was on waiting too.but then she talked with him as they used to do normally in college and they talked for 11 minutes or so.She also told him that there was some problem at home so she was busy talking to them when his call was on waiting.

but she did talk to him for 11 minutes and me..not even a minute.
She wasn't her normal self with me as the last time.
or maybe she really was on hold with call from home and didn't have the time to talk with me...but then she could've given me a missed call afterwards.

i have been upset after that ..came to room and my friends asked waht's wrong buddy?
i said nothing me good guys.but they knew and they know that me not the same that i am usually.anyways i didn't talk about anything.

i called my friend Anshu who lives in delhi and talked to him.He was like "why are u feeling low bro,you should be happy that u talked to her..that's what you wanted,Right??.You should be proud of your love for her.Have faith in your love."
I was so not getting these words.I am feeling like someone who's been shot again and again and still wants to get shot.Doomed by love.It's that i am not able to understand why she's doing this...i had to blurt it all out here.i know all of you will say...move on.But guys i just can't,i have tried but i can't and why..i really don't know.

maybe i am a foolish one
who ate the forbidden apple
like a hole in the night
to dead to fight
old metal in the dust
left to rust
in happy endings
and bullshit
and nonsense
and poetry
and love

the call
still hurts my ears
living the fears
holding my tears
don't want to speak
my heart beat is bleak
it still pumps but
i can't breathe
even a smile is a burden now

you know what rip tide feels like?
when the water's in you
squeezing your lungs tight
a tragic breathless fight
bursting wide your insides

and i died that time
a washed up child
abandoned like
the lifeless shells
left aside by wayward ladybugs

one instant may mean more than you could ever know
and in that instant you might lose everything you never know