Thursday, October 2, 2008

Hollow Chapter

A sad collection of words.

6 years ago he was nearly finished,a devastating loss,it broke him and wiped out all his innocence,that loss dawned a new him,somewhat changed and steady.Phoenix like he arose and set forth upon his dream.He endured many catastrophes but none so grave as the one which faces him today..Love.
Some label it the infatuation,others call it a childish crush.
But he still holds on...he wants to move on but he can't.He believes in being true and selfless.He never wanted the things to be this way..he didn't plan anything.

In this hollow chapter now he has started to plan a lot,trying to rectify his mistakes.This chapter began in 2006..he didn't saw it coming.He wanted to do Mba but he had to take up MCA.He didn't want to but had to.He missed all his friends who left the college after Grad.He was still here doing his masters.Daily he saw those places where they used to sit and chat all was hard on him.Teachers were worse..classmates like "sheep" he was so alone,lonely-soul.Then he thought he has found love.He thought she loved him,so he told her(Jan 17-18) but he was mistaken (here's a little of the conversation that day)
She:"forget that we talked today..okay"
He:"okay..i will but (her name) tell me did u ever had a crush on me"
she: " Grad days yes...i liked you a lot"
HE:"In grad days..hehe what did u see in me?"
she:"talking to you,spending time with you..i started liking you"
He:"Then y didn't you say something??"
she:"Vikku i knew nothing could happen.You don't know my parents.I told myself at that time that if in future you come and propose i will say no."
He:"we still have two years of study stay with me..we will sort things out."
she:"No i can't.I have to oblige to my parents wishes"
He:"take your time think about it.."
she:"i have..please u concentrate on your studies and forget about this.."
He:"we will stay friends as before??"
she:"No..not now i know you have feelings for me.."
He:"please keep talking to me..i feel so helpless and miserable when you don't pickup the phone."
She:"Ohh i will..bye "
(she didn't said sweet dreams this time)

he lost one of his best-friend(So much for "Honesty is the best policy")that day.She never talked the way she used to--a friendship lost to love.
He missed her each and everyday.Each day was ugly.He lost his sleep.He thought of diverting his mind...he thought if he had money there never would have been a problem of caste,he read a lot of books..started studying whole day and night..but still she never went away.He would close his eyes and there she was...mirror eyes and smiling as beautiful as ever.He napped 1-2 hrs a day for next 3 months (Feb,march,April).He came to blog ville in between and started writing all the things happening around him.

He tried calling many(5-6) times but she didn't pickup.He understood.He didn't call but kept on sending messages to her.She never replied.No calls and communication.
she got a job in "Wi*ro" on march 17 and she didn't tell him that day..he came to know of it through a common friend...she called(the common friend had told her to) next day to tell him that she got selected.He acted as if he was so happy...and congratulated her.the call lasted less than 2 minutes.
next time she called on his birthday...he waited waited and last her call came on 7:11 p.m. and he was not happy that she called so late.He didn't talked to her as he should have.He still hate himself for that.Didn't even call her back..this stupid ego.well days passed as he blogged everything ...the betrayal by his friends,the exams and normal stuff.A friend from Australia called up sometime in mid-feb and told him to come to Australia..he refused..friend asked again in may..he started thinking.He ain't enjoying this MCa.He ain't having fun here.He has been battered and betrayed by the ones he trusted.So he opened up completely to his friend and told him he can't come on his own..he has no money.His friend agreed to help me out and so he had a new goal and new direction now..
Meanwhile she got selected in TC* and again he came to know through common friend.She didn't care to call him this time.Then came the 8th June..her birthday..he was so happy..he called her at 12:09 (she was busy before)
wished her and they talked for about 2 and half minutes.He was so happy ..after disconnecting he thought he has not wished her properly....So he called her again next afternoon and sang three lines

"happy birthday to you,.."
"happy birthday to you"
"happy birthday dear (her name)"
"happy birthday tooooo youuuu"

he was so happy again :D
no calls were exchanged after that..but on 1st of July she was online and they chatted..he was destroyed by the words she typed.It was like someone among your own murdered you without flinching..He was so miserable that day..another soundless crack on his heart wall.He thought what had he done wrong?loving someone??he couldn't understand..he still doesn't.He wrote her one last e-mail..writing his heart out...he doesn't even know if she read it before deleting.
cried to sleep on many nights,
those swollen eyes...

The lesson this Hollow chapter gave him -- one-sided love is something closest to hell.He has learned how to really cry,though he didn't want to.
he feels like a moth,
a moth attracted towards fire

He still loves her.This ain't the first time i said that..but the last time will surprise you all..i am grey and white and still loving her.

He's still here doing Mca,somewhere down there he knows there is hope.The hope to be successful and make her mom proud.
Here he's now unburdening his heavy heart here for you all to see.
The monsoons are are my rainy posts,maybe next monsoon will bring them back or some rainy day.

was this love meant to be lost??
pain comes back to remind me
heart drives me
one day we will meet
like in the dreams i see

Take care guys and thanks for reading my hollow means a lot to me.Ask anything if u want to(except her name).I am all yours ppl.