the beer and a guitar

fiddling with memories and the rain
all of it
the calls,the talks,
the minutes,the hours,
the smiling moments
odd or even,
smiling or crying
the images,
they will not live forever

the thoughts of a random play,
the attraction,the temptation
and seducing vibes
leave me startled and foolish
speculating your origins'
your ways,your thoughts
what's in me..that you see???

veins on fire
parched mouth
thirsty soul
seeking the rain
shiny eyes
magic of sight,
lost in the night
wanting
a tattoo or a scar,
the beer and a guitar...

near and distant

floating around
listening to roxy sounds
dead mind is plain blank
the parity of clouds
when they spit,they scream
scattered drops,lightning and the flakes
making hissing noises
they fall,they touch,
silently into the night
pulsing perception
relations and bonds
both near and distant
reasons and causes
have similar patterns


You know, I had a pimple om my nose when I was a teenager and I tried
so hard to cover it up, and then years later I had another pimple and I
didn't feel like covering it up at all. That's the difference between
being 18 and being where i am now. I was so busy covering my
insecurities that it made them stick out more. Today I just walk in and
announce them.so let me talk about moving on...
Sure I've thought about it.If I could ever meet the right sort of girl.
Aw, where you gonna find her? Somebody that's real. Somebody that's
alive. They don't come that way anymore. Have I ever thought about it?
I've even been sucker enough to make plans. You know, I saw picture of
a resort in mexico on facebook once. I've never been able to forget it.
That's where I'd like to take her. She'd have to be the sort of a girl
who'd... well, who'd jump in the surf with me and love it as much as I
did. You know, nights when you and the moon and the water all become
one. You feel you're part of something big and marvelous. That's the
only place to live... where the stars are so close over your head you
feel you could reach up and stir them around. Certainly, I've been
thinking about it. Boy, if I could ever find a girl who was hungry for
those things...
It's just that anytime I hang on to any bit of hope it slips away from me.
When your life is defined by a single action, it changes the concept of time.
when i was child,i thought being brave meant that you had to take action.
That to have a dream and get forward in life you need courage.
But the only thing you need courage for, is for standing still.
if i had to,
I’d wipe out the whole planet to get her back.

be the knowledge
be the drop
that fills the ocean
upto the brim
that moment,that instant
the heaven belongs to you

Happy B'day Dad

miss those days
when i was child
i looked up to you
the shining sun,
in the dark clouds
you fulfilled my every wish

regret those days when..
i should have stayed silent
i yelled at you
as u tried to tell me what to do
didn't listen to what you spoke
in those moments i know your heart broke

wish i could make it right
and avoid all those fights
wish you were here
to kill the pain
and walk with me in the rain




Today is my dad's birthday and this is the sixth year since he passed away.I have so many things to tell him and questions to ask. We were so much alike that we basically clashed and held a strong dislike for the other.At one point in my life, I worried that I hated him.And I often felt certain that he hated me.It was all emotional and all consuming, though in the moment I did not realize the extent. It was all his fault anyways, he was the reason why I was genetically made the way I was made.I inherited every aspect of this man. And I don't think I often let him forget that. I never once thought of how all of this was from his side of the fence. I only think of that now - after his life is all said and done, with so many things left unsaid and undone.It kills me to think of how easily things could have been so much different. I want to say that I loved him so much and I didn't tell him enough......now,there never is enough I love you's even if I said it everyday and every hour. I really hate the people who have trashed him in life now come to me and say how sorry they are. How hypocritical.It's tough missing him everyday.....But I know he would want me to keep my chin up, so Dad that's what I am going to do.....for you.............I love you so much....I am glad you were there Dad,to teach me about right and wrong, about family, and dedication, and honesty.
You are not here anymore but your words of wisdom, your unconditional love, your joy, your laughter is always in my memories.

Happy Birthday Dad

high moments

cold green mountains
solitude of crowded air
trembling hands
clinking glasses
dancing bottles
soda and whiskey
lighting cigarettes
beer,peanuts
bonfire under the stars
something about an escape with friends
something about these high moments

exhaling

saw the darkness shine
knowingly embraced it
souvenirs around eyes
exhaling the pain
not making any sense
pretending to understand,
Loneliness in numbers..
the night and the unrest..
no pushing, no struggle
moving slowly
soon he'll be back in race

Still reading course books, not understanding a word. Re-reading the same lines, forgetting where I left off. Still not undertstanding. Once again, the same thoughts.
all the shit that happened?I know,he knows..It was just shit that happened,right?And now i did like to know that me stuck here and too many fucking months have gone by to..
fuck it's so corny to..to make up for the lost fucking time.

it's a play

crying and crying,
the wretched juvenile
an stuttering heart,
things fallen apart
uncared and experienced with age,
ain't no fury,ain't no rage
winding-up the rains
air filled with the smell
embracing the raindrops
they fall in the night
clouds cannot hold
tears of the time
it's a play and i am the mime

Millions of seconds of her, I have locked her in every place you can think off,
i have never been the playboy or the flirty ass.
for me... me it is just about security and commitment and whatever the fuck else!
When you're young, not much matters. When you find something that you care about, then that's all you got. When you go to sleep at night you dream of her. When you wake up it's the same thing. It's there in your face. You can't escape it.
Sometimes when you're young the only place to go is inside..inside to hide. That's just it -she is what I love. Take her away from me and I really got nothing.

the faded dreams
there's no beauty to them
unlike the faded jeans
trying to redraw them
those moments,that time
wind flowing through your hair
when there was nothing in sight,but you
maybe one day dreams will come true

his love would stay forever,as it's true!

love stained force
drowning the ritual of purity!
refused and ruined
the forsaken being,
lets no memory escape
the love blot,
affecting me
with times that never happened

He's not a saddist, just a brokenheart.And his problem happens to be love. He has no control over this, this evil thing inside, the fire, the voices, the torment!It's there all the time, driving him out to wander the streets, following me, silently, but I can feel it there. It's me, pursuing myself! I want to escape, to escape from myself! But it's impossible. I can't escape, I have to obey it. I have to run, run... endless streets. I want to escape, to get away! And I'm pursued by ghosts. Ghosts of memories and of those moments... they never leave me. They are always here...always, always, always...except when I do workouts,Then I can't remember anything. And afterwards they are back! But no one understands me. Who knows what it's like to be me? How I'm forced to act... how I must, must... don't want to, must! Don't want to, but must! And then a voice screams! I can't bear to hear it! I can't go on! I can't... I can't...

Quote from "REVOLVER":
=====================
The greatest con, that he ever pulled... was making you believe... that he is you.

He

he's seen every kind of emotion, pain, sadness, and betrayals. He's full of love,sadness,harmony,honesty and benevolence. His blurts are facts,acclaiming her,an atheist,elegant,arrogant, and heartbroken; chalking out his future;he breaks rules;at times his actions are silly,false,cold,heartless and mean.
The price of love.You've got the glory, you gotta take the little heartaches that go with it. Now look at me: I've got no love, I've got no glory, I've got no romance, I've got no happiness! But I've got - ....what have I got?

home is just a broken bottle
anyplace to put up your feet
scraping along carpet imprint
jaw pried open
hard to get a nap in here

FAv Quote From "REVOLVER":
=========================
One thing I've learned in the last seven years: in every game and con there's always an opponent, and there's always a victim. The trick is to know when you're the latter, so you can become the former.

the problem child

the problem child
all my life
ran through frights
i was the one
the lightening beam,
the pure morning breeze,
caressing your lovely face
now i am
the black dog,
crying in the night
the high tide on the rise
erupting volcano,raging rapid,
the face of evil
the eye of dark
the good gone bad
or the bad gone good

i have my reasons
and the heart is boiling angry in the fry pan of the disillusioned love
but i don't really mind the smell
theirs winter in a daydream and i awake to snowy nightmares
what a beautiful existence from behind the telephone pole jungles
you see me writing about love and her.They come on to tell me the true meaning of it all,change your attitude for the rest of the life and be nice to bums and submit to bla bla and compliment your friends bla bla blah .I really can't stand because folks if mythical personalities can pretend to have a soul then so can I.

P.s.
====
This is my fourth post today..Still i haven't been able to let it all out.I want an awakening under blue skys and a beautiful array of birds.

what have i become??

when we talked
i didn't just heard her
i felt her

There was a time, a time before love. When he reigned supreme. When he believed everything he did. This was an age when he didn't allowed anyone to come close to his heart. And in time,she came,swept his off his feet,she was more then the rest.?Her name was *****. She was like a angel walking amongst mere mortals.She had a voice that could make his heart dance and adrenalin pumping. In other words,she was the one. You know how when someone is like the sun shining on you - the approval, all the "You're so wonderful"? That's what it was like when I was with her.

He'll see her again tonight in dreamland. But his dreamshows makes my eyes rain! And they said crying is for little girls.

Vicky gazes at these mountains of love
dreaming of smiles with wine dark eyes
pebbles have fallen over the ledge
infinite miles of road ahead
dreamt of dining under starry beaches
not remembering history
that this way lies nothing but dead ends

He not talking
not happy
not here
just someone
for everyone
for an escape
for freedom
turned to ash
dangling from a cigarette
used up and wasted
hell is what he tasted...
anything but this i cry anything but this

P.S.
====
This is a "private" room of mine.Out of curiosity everyone wants to walk through a door marked "private."
for me being in love is like @#%$@.I am friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless!
I will never love again.Look, I don't mean to be rude guys but this is not as easy as it looks!
I have already posted three posts today,and i want to write more...my mind is so fucked up right now.

billion thoughts

there’s billion thoughts
storming in ma mind

Is there a GOD?
so waht are we but a mockery
some experiment
he plays games
we are toys
God laughs as he watches our lives
until he gets bored
If everything is GOd's plan
then why death is spread through sex
and nearly everything gives you cancer

How to recognize the eyes that lie?
ppl who betray,play me
to tame the plague of slander
seduce the beast whilst god feasts
and live in the love you hand him

within it all
or maybe under
someone snores
and roars with thunder

seven pence nonsense
this is all too raw for me
I just want to live within your face
where all the words are free

there’s a true child
and a cold hand
in a battlefield
with will to stand

Tequila

no one who likes the Tequila's
can be all bad

well, maybe good-bad
but not evil

the naked truth

The following is based on actual events.The names,locations and events nothing have been changed.
If the following post hurts anyone then please try to see that i tried to write the truth.Hope u understand.There's no rain this time...it's uncensored talk.You have been warned.


Yesterday night at hit's party after having some 60 ml drinks,Somehow we started talking about girls and virginity.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A:if you deflower a girl,man.. you're the man. No one can ever do that again. You're the only one. No one, no one, has the power to do that again.
hit: Right. The way I see it. My outlook on the situation. It's like getting fame, you know what I'm saying? Say you was to die tomorrow right, fifty years from now all the virgins you ever fucked are gonna remember you. Right? They gonna tell their grandkids about that shit.
H: Virgins. I love 'em. No diseases, no loose as a goose pussy, no skank. No nothin. Just pure pleasure.
Me: Why you do this?
A: For the same reason ..other men do it.
Me:Don't u regret it,just using all those girls like things.
hit:bro,we ain't raping them.They want us to deflower them.Some are complicated, like the Da Vinci Code, except harder to crack.
H:it's the economics of the arrangement.it's Intimacy without intricacy.
Me:Why do they do it..and you use them..it feels a bit strange ..that's all.I never think of girls that way.
hit:You fall in love that's why..
Me:Don't you??
hit:I loved once, now it's just lust.
H:I was like you too,but when she ditched me..i changed.You will change too with time....
Me:hah..you are wrong..i am stronger than you all.I don't think of them as peices of meat.It's coz of guys like you(pointing to hit and H) that girls think nice guys like me have those intentions.
H:hit you know,this guy turned down a blow job from this girl, mid-blowjob. You know how hard that is for a man? It's called blue balls. He's like Gandhi! But better - he likes
puppets!Stupid..asshole.
hit:How can you do that vicky?You gay or what?
Me:I love "You know whom" and i will never cheat on her.
hit:you fuckin fuck..,she doesn't even love you..open your eyes..njoy the world..taste the cherry.
A:Okay, okay, okay, pump the brakes.
H:yeah man leave it..he will understand us one day.All of us are like this.You can't deny what you are.It's inside you.It will come out one day.
Me:You really want to have this conversation? Do you really want to have this conversation?
A: i said leave it..damn it.WE are here to party..stop man.Let's talk about something else.
hit:[pouring whisky in glasses]Alcohol is the answer to life's all problems.
A:come morning your headache will remind you..

After that we just had our dinner and came back home.But it got me thinking ...not if i didn't knew..but this time i felt how screwed up the world is.
Not only these but majority of guys i know(even the married ones) are like that.They cheat on their gf and wives.I was listening to them yesterday and all that time i was thinking...have all the men become animals..or they were always like that??
I love myself for what i am and i know i will never change.I don't want to be an animal like them.To tell you the truth i never get sexually attracted to girls(guys/animals..u dirty mind)for me it's all about character and love.Am i living in a illusion ??maybe ..but i am happy like this.I would rather die then be like them.

take care guys
[V]

fairytale moments

a starry night,crawling patiently
deceptive calmness all around
dreams of heavenly mansions and gardens
these dreams,
the fairytale moments
she & me,
coffee & rain
wet leaves and swirling haze of an instant
evocative and fantastic
if only it happened !!

he talked again

Me:You came. Even though you're about to break. That's a good sign.
He:(silent)
Me:Well what do you want?
He:You.
Me:Well we better talk then.
Me:So... Why did you come?
He:You got anything?
Me:Depends on what you want.
He:Uh, some more time.
Me:Can't help you.
He:You're gonna give up and die, is that it?
[me does not answer]
He:you are a royal pain in the ass about to get a fucking slap.
Me:I appreciate that but I can't help you. Why can't you forgive yourself?
He:Are sins... ever forgiven?
Me: ...I've never tried.
He:You mean?...”Never tried"...
He:Well, I'm gonna try.
Me:Stay where you belong; in my memories!
He:I will... never be a memory!
Me:Stop running! I know.Even is you find that she doesn't love you. Maybe something will happen that can never unhappen,But you need to think about career now, really take it in.Let her go.Look at you, you think you've got it so damn hard. Well you hate being alone so let people in. Sure you might not answer the phone, but I don't see you throw it away either!
He :Don't piss in my pocket and tell me it's raining.
Me:But for me this is all over. I'm getting out. What was true then is true now. Have a plan. Stick to it.I mean, work it out, mate. We're in the wrong fucking game.
He:Oh, I know you're still there... cause I can feel you dying. I can hear you tapping me... for a little nutrition. Now who's looking for a fix? It gets a little tight in here, do you? Well, you're not wrong... cause the walls are moving in. No food here. Not today, sunshine. My eyes are open and the restaurant's closed. Jog on. Slide off. Find someone else to fill your pipe. Someone, who won't see you coming... or know, when you're there.
Me:Now try to get this straight: there is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. Just air.
He:Oh, you don't mean that..Do you love her?
Me:YES! But don't hold that against me, I'm a little screwy myself!
He:You're a sucker to go through with this.you think everything will take care of itself.
Me:Why don't you just fucking rape me?
He:people don't get me either.
[smiles and fades away]

He was once like a lush green forest,alive with love and happines.
but love burned him down to the ground.
The stigma... it's a symptom of love infesting the body. When he trys to eliminate it,
it overcompensates. Inside his body there's a current, like the White Blood Cells. That current is what fights off any malevolent intruders.

In this fight "he" might devour "him".

the Truth??

If u feel it ..then comment,else just hop somewhere else

You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like. There's a lot of ugly things in this world. I wish I could keep 'em all away from me. That's never possible.
There is something about you that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason we wake up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the shitty puss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please, think I'm special. We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. We all like a bit of the good life - some the money, some the drugs, other the sex game, the glamour, or the fame.Life consists of routine, and then more routine.The hip-hip-hoo-fuckin' rah. Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on you crazy diamond, because we're just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others.You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.
You know I remember someone saying, "If you've seen one you've seen 'em all".

====
p.s.
====
This post was inspired by the movie "Revolver" !

Kick Ass Award

Last few days i received some awards...
Oxy gave me Brillante Weblog award!
mayz gave me Blogging Friends Forever
Hope gave me Blogging Friends forever,Million Dollar Friend and The Spreader of Love Awards!
Sister Sameera gave me Thoughtful Blog Reader,Certified Honest Blogger,I love your Blog,A perfect Blend of Friendship awards!
Preeti gave me i love you blogger award !

Hugs to you all.I will not thank you..coz i know i deserve these ;) hehe
anyways jokes apart...i distribute these awards now :-

Beauty and the BEast gets I love your Blog,Certified Honest Blogger,i love you blogger and Brillante Weblog award.

Zubin brother gets Brillante Weblog award and Blogging Friends forever.

miss hope gets Certified Honest Blogger and I love your Blog.

miss enchanted gets I love your Blog,A perfect Blend of Friendship and The Spreader of Love.

Big brother oxy gets I love your Blog,Certified Honest Blogger,Thoughtful Blog Reader,A perfect Blend of Friendship and Million Dollar Friend.

apna bhai Sidgets Thoughtful Blog Reader,Certified Honest Blogger,I love your Blog,Blogging Friends Forever,A perfect Blend of Friendship and Million Dollar Friend.

my clone mayz gets Thoughtful Blog Reader,Million Dollar Friend,I love your Blog and The Spreader of Love.

a great friend runnerfrog gets Thoughtful Blog Reader,Certified Honest Blogger,A perfect Blend of Friendship and Million Dollar Friend.

natkhat preeti gets A perfect Blend of Friendship,Blogging Friends Forever and Million Dollar Friend.

miss French Cess gets Thoughtful Blog Reader,Blogging Friends Forever,Brillante Weblog award and i love you blogger.

miss priya gets Blogging Friends Forever,i love you blogger,I love your Blog and The Spreader of Love.

think tank Farah gets Thoughtful Blog Reader and i love you blogger.

the textual offender "che" gets I love your Blog and Certified Honest Blogger.

mr.ceedy gets I love your Blog and Certified Honest Blogger.

miss Cinderella gets Thoughtful Blog Reader,i love you blogger and The Spreader of Love.

Princess mia gets i love you blogger,I love your Blog and Certified Honest Blogger.

and i save the best one for
Sameera you have got all the awards so i asked my sis to make a new one..and you are the First recipient of this award the kick ass Blog award.


All the credit for making this award goes to rain girl hugs sis.You receive all the awards i have :D

If i forgot someone..please let me know.
take care guys hope you njoy your awards and no one should use the words thank you,thankx,10q's as a reaction to this post.

P.s.
====
All awards have been posted on the Right.

an old post

On request of a friend i have to post this...i hate it when i lose a bet :(
so here it is an old postYoung me

it rained again

some played games
he was played like a card
words spoken,a heart broken
drowned in his own tears
mending a tattered heart
lingering memories
he likes to be alone
lost in rains
pain is dripping down again


“A box of rain will ease the pain,and love will see you through.”
The Grateful Dead quotes

Hollow Chapter

A sad collection of words.

6 years ago he was nearly finished,a devastating loss,it broke him and wiped out all his innocence,that loss dawned a new him,somewhat changed and steady.Phoenix like he arose and set forth upon his dream.He endured many catastrophes but none so grave as the one which faces him today..Love.
Some label it the infatuation,others call it a childish crush.
But he still holds on...he wants to move on but he can't.He believes in being true and selfless.He never wanted the things to be this way..he didn't plan anything.

In this hollow chapter now he has started to plan a lot,trying to rectify his mistakes.This chapter began in 2006..he didn't saw it coming.He wanted to do Mba but he had to take up MCA.He didn't want to but had to.He missed all his friends who left the college after Grad.He was still here doing his masters.Daily he saw those places where they used to sit and chat all day...it was hard on him.Teachers were worse..classmates like "sheep" he was so alone,lonely-soul.Then he thought he has found love.He thought she loved him,so he told her(Jan 17-18) but he was mistaken (here's a little of the conversation that day)
She:"forget that we talked today..okay"
He:"okay..i will but (her name) tell me did u ever had a crush on me"
she: "yeah..umm..in Grad days yes...i liked you a lot"
HE:"In grad days..hehe what did u see in me?"
she:"talking to you,spending time with you..i started liking you"
He:"Then y didn't you say something??"
she:"Vikku i knew nothing could happen.You don't know my parents.I told myself at that time that if in future you come and propose i will say no."
He:"we still have two years of study left...you stay with me..we will sort things out."
she:"No i can't.I have to oblige to my parents wishes"
He:"take your time think about it.."
she:"i have..please u concentrate on your studies and forget about this.."
He:"we will stay friends as before??"
she:"No..not now..as now i know you have feelings for me.."
He:"please keep talking to me..i feel so helpless and miserable when you don't pickup the phone."
She:"Ohh i will..bye "
(she didn't said sweet dreams this time)

he lost one of his best-friend(So much for "Honesty is the best policy")that day.She never talked the way she used to--a friendship lost to love.
He missed her each and everyday.Each day was ugly.He lost his sleep.He thought of diverting his mind...he thought if he had money there never would have been a problem of caste,he read a lot of books..started studying whole day and night..but still she never went away.He would close his eyes and there she was...mirror eyes and smiling as beautiful as ever.He napped 1-2 hrs a day for next 3 months (Feb,march,April).He came to blog ville in between and started writing all the things happening around him.

He tried calling many(5-6) times but she didn't pickup.He understood.He didn't call but kept on sending messages to her.She never replied.No calls and communication.
she got a job in "Wi*ro" on march 17 and she didn't tell him that day..he came to know of it through a common friend...she called(the common friend had told her to) next day to tell him that she got selected.He acted as if he was so happy...and congratulated her.the call lasted less than 2 minutes.
next time she called on his birthday...he waited waited and waited..at last her call came on 7:11 p.m. and he was not happy that she called so late.He didn't talked to her as he should have.He still hate himself for that.Didn't even call her back..this stupid ego.well days passed as he blogged everything ...the betrayal by his friends,the exams and normal stuff.A friend from Australia called up sometime in mid-feb and told him to come to Australia..he refused..friend asked again in may..he started thinking.He ain't enjoying this MCa.He ain't having fun here.He has been battered and betrayed by the ones he trusted.So he opened up completely to his friend and told him he can't come on his own..he has no money.His friend agreed to help me out and so he had a new goal and new direction now..
Meanwhile she got selected in TC* and again he came to know through common friend.She didn't care to call him this time.Then came the 8th June..her birthday..he was so happy..he called her at 12:09 (she was busy before)
wished her and they talked for about 2 and half minutes.He was so happy ..after disconnecting he thought he has not wished her properly....So he called her again next afternoon and sang three lines

"happy birthday to you,.."
"happy birthday to you"
"happy birthday dear (her name)"
"happy birthday tooooo youuuu"

he was so happy again :D
no calls were exchanged after that..but on 1st of July she was online and they chatted..he was destroyed by the words she typed.It was like someone among your own murdered you without flinching..He was so miserable that day..another soundless crack on his heart wall.He thought what had he done wrong?loving someone??he couldn't understand..he still doesn't.He wrote her one last e-mail..writing his heart out...he doesn't even know if she read it before deleting.
cried to sleep on many nights,
those swollen eyes...

The lesson this Hollow chapter gave him -- one-sided love is something closest to hell.He has learned how to really cry,though he didn't want to.
he feels like a moth,
a moth attracted towards fire
He still loves her.This ain't the first time i said that..but the last time will surprise you all..i am grey and white and still loving her.

He's still here doing Mca,somewhere down there he knows there is hope.The hope to be successful and make her mom proud.
Here he's now unburdening his heavy heart here for you all to see.
The monsoons are gone..so are my rainy posts,maybe next monsoon will bring them back or some rainy day.

was this love meant to be lost??
pain comes back to remind me
heart drives me
one day we will meet
like in the dreams i see

Take care guys and thanks for reading my hollow chapter..it means a lot to me.Ask anything if u want to(except her name).I am all yours ppl.