smell of earth after rain

In this Dream

2011-10-24T19:32:00.002+05:30

In this dream,the only one who feels you is YOU, the only one who knows it's you is YOU, No other can see Your SELF... You are immense, a depth-less trench, and a pinch, You are a speck in the eye of the dream.You were once a being, You were once a raindrop, You were once a cold mountain, a sip of coffee, a scar, a photon of light, a cipher... You were once a naught , You were given a birth and you will be given a death! Nothing was yours, Nothing is taken from you, Only shuffled...Into different patterns, Nothing is produced, Only experienced , Creation is merely a placidity waiting to be heard by your self.

One for you...

2011-08-11T16:28:00.000+05:30

here's to you, moon
and all the wine drank
under your eyes,
and to lovers who feel
your breath on their necks
and streaked ripples
cutting through ink black puddles
and to hanging on
to the last streaks of the night

Devil

2011-08-02T11:54:00.001+05:30

the devil found my note book and wrote some awful things he did some damage he made some problems and made me unforgivable he found your weaknesses he found my insecurities he scratched at pages with impunity and used swear words to describe religions the devil found my heart today and made everything a problem he made you hate me he promised me I'd never die and it was the worst thing ever said he told me I was beautiful and no one could be worth as much and that is why you hate me the devil stole my mind today he made all my ideas the greatest he made all my clothing perfect every step and movement sexy every drag precise he told me I was clever in the thoughts I found in books he told me all I needed was to worship what I am and to gather those who needed something to worship.

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LOVE ♥

2011-06-21T06:27:00.000+05:30

So many people don't believe in love They try to say it is not natural We manufacture it They believe love can be controlled That we pick and choose it Some don't even realize it exisits Love is a phenomenon It controlls itself Love is like a ghost with magical powers You can't see it You can't feel it You can't hear it Untill it wants to be known It comes and goes When you least expect it It is in every one of us When we first experience it We know little of it We take it for granted Every person is loved by their mother first When we are young We don't realize how far it can go As we grow love grows It moves outside the family It makes friends It likes animals It discovers songs It makes mistakes It gets us lost It breaks our heart Love becomes ours We shape it We learn about it We take it for walks We listen to it We understand our love We understand how it works We learn how to use it When we get really good at it We save it We spread it We write a letter about it and mail it out Love can become tricky It knows where its going It knows where its needed We think we can catch it We think we can find it We think we know where it is going to be But love is strong It hides It disappears It never tells us where it is going to be We are very naive to think we can control it Just as we think we think earth houses the only form of life in the universe Love wants us to think that Because it doesn't want us to be scared of it It comes in one size And that size has to fit all We put in our dues We play the game We follow the rules Because its stronger then us It sings with the angels Swims in the clouds Walks through walls Scales large buildings in a single bound It provides us with clues One more complicated then the next Fate is a clue thats hard to find Love's partner in crime The ying and the yang The shake with the fries Some believe in fate Because everything is going to be ok in the end Sure it'll get us lost It'll make us mad It'll make us sad It'll even let us down It'll throw us curve It'll make the car swerve It'll even make us frown It knows where it wants to go So enjoy the ride The tickle in the tummy The rub on the back The kiss on the lips When fate has its way You might not believe where you end up

P.S. The Author Doesn't believe in faith,fate or destiny.The author uses them for the sake of his verse only.

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Careless whispers

2011-06-04T01:43:00.003+05:30

lost among the dark clouds, bathing in her brilliant fragrance, There was a softness in the wind whenever she spoke like she was burnt in the pain, He craved for one more sip from those lips, his mouth was getting dry. she danced to him inside the rain "you're not going to remember this tomorrow, the dance or the flashes of open heart or the rains" He uttered : "let me get one more sip from your lips, I'm parched ". another toast to oblivia who knows without knowing the blindest eyes can hear the truth we miss between syllables an untold story turned into stone, a nowhere turned into home. Now I have a page of my clicks on Fb ,Visit Recreating Reality. If you like the work,then please share it. Thanks Friends :)

A Dream that goes nowhere

2011-03-28T22:06:00.004+05:30

hazy, like the fade-out of an old film that takes immortality to end
wise infinities,these fuzzy memories
I am the spectator,viewing as drama unfolds glistening amidst the skeletal of my mind,like a Shakespeare's play

In this post the major players are :
(i). The sweet smiling city-girl with her zesty attitude
(ii) Yours truly, always a little confused, yet witty, none the less with nothing left to loose
(iii) Of less significance, two random stranger men, yet important to the main characters development

the stage is set for this dreams gathering...
city-girl relaxing upon a low lying mattress, with the two strange men,
in a suite glittering with dim illumination of scented candles...
She smiles significantly in mid conversations or relays some part of her play-book of past to them and yours truly spectates not uninvited, but still he feels he has intruded upon some seductive ploy

The tall dark man with smiling eyes, laughing, adding humor to the scene, cracking lame jokes and throwing stolen glances in the city-girls direction...
They feel a little uncomfortable for actions of their past - the devil deeds, between the time they have spent in dark and the emotions they exchanged, both feeling little mispositioned and lost in the anonymous man's presence

he sparkles radiant in his anxiety,
his radiance is contagious,so much that the other man joins in tossing glances at their darling female friend, the poor little victim of her own beauty's creation

I am sure that you are thinking where this drama is going
sadly it's really just an over decorated personal entry of sleep patterns & paranormal remnants laced with emotional components through neural connections
my dream-waves of presence

And as I re-spawn into this waking planet
a chaste of sorts flows down my roads, the dream as insignificant as it was
left me stuck on one thought,like sweet honey to it's own pot,
that of all the things which I could dream & remember even
the sweet girl of the city remains within the folds of my neural activity

In a short show summary of less grandiloquent content:

Baby, I dream of you as often as I breathe.

shades of love

2010-11-08T15:05:00.004+05:30

smile across his face,his hand reached out...
she resisted..."What do you want", whispered into the still air?
He smirks,says "All Night"

She asked him again in a firmer but still soft whispering voice,
What do you want?
"You" was his answer...

It's your Birthday she replied, "What Do You... Want"?
"Slow" was his final answer...

Her head tilted back while her lips slightly parted, allowing a sigh of anticipation escaped past them...

Vivid imageries, thoughts of next time...

You

2010-10-16T02:46:00.002+05:30

gliding under the moon, you came on horizon like a boon you wore your white skirt and the way it moves makes me think of feathers stars bathing you bare in raw light, to touch you they fight, silver wings shining bright I hear soft whispers of sunset halo and autumn sky in half open eyed visions cuz in You is life and in You is death The beauty one can feel it,one can taste it wiping blood wine from lusty lips, You have me on your fingertips You are my glittering kite, the forbidden fruit I want to bite Your inviting diamond eyes like sirens draw me closer cuttin a universe shape outta the nothin blackness massaging my light and kissing my soul mind is melting,I am in total awe Without the power to fight time it's not possible to get out, it’s no longer my call, One pull of this magic carpet and all the golden eggs could easily fall miracles in and miracles out even at the end, you can’t explain what it is all about

about all... 2010-08-18T15:34:00.000+05:30 about today: it hasn't rained like this in days credits to devil and his delirious ways about past: I never wept from pain, But I've cried from scars. about dreams: the crazy music of shattering dreams it's tearing at my seams about her: she streams from heaven till dawn a forest fire that keeps raging on about family: their annoying questions open me wide submerging him inside in the tide about me: a spoiled child with soiled dreams STUCK !! 2010-08-17T01:58:00.000+05:30 the rabbit is stuck in the race for the buck.I am not flowing in any direction.It's been a year now and I haven't got a job.I thought this phase was like a summer lightning flash but it's been continuously like noise on radio.I have fell backward after a long time.I never thought I would be at this place at this moment in my life.I had had dreams of being a CEO of some company by 2013.That dream seems to far fetched now. I am someone who lives in reality.So I don't get my hopes high usually...coz I've learned the hard way how it hurts when you lose hope,the world just collapses around you.I am judging myself.There are things I want to do for myself for others.Somethings I should have done already.But I could not.It's a dream or nightmare,I can't tell.I've realized that you can never consider all the factors that will effect the equation of life.But Here I am still fighting ,still trying,crawling in this dark endless tunnel...someday someway,maybe late but I will reach where I see myself.Will try to make the best of what I have. Some people I thought were my friends,talked behind my back.But I am going to have a good laugh at myself and forget it.Still stuck around those friends.Sometimes one just need to laugh at life,right? AT least it keeps me sane :D . I am stuck in love too.I miss my boo.Those lovely starry eyes.She just needs to bat them thrice and makes me forget everything,the world,it's worries and vice. Taking steps toward days when I will be at ease,smiling in happier times. TC guys... I've missed you all. Father's day . 2010-06-20T05:12:00.001+05:30 MY DAD and MOM on their honeymoon in Nainital. Sometimes the ending brings you back to the beginning. I traveled evil roads and dark fucking routes I've been to evil places and loved the evil pleasures I've wanted to taste those evil lips of my fantasies It's mostly evil that I have done it will haunt me forever I don't want forgiveness and I won't beg you to please forgive me like someone weak, because I don't think I've sinned somewhere there may be angels singing and devils laughing... and I don't believe in all these fucking assholes and destiny writers called 'GODS' I've just been what I am.I am doing my best to smile and always having fun. But some one keeps shouting,"father" in my head. I miss you sometimes not everyday not every month....just sometimes. I am being honest here ...that's all. On 25th it's going to be Eight years since you left me.I miss you dad. I see 2010-06-02T02:16:00.004+05:30 when I gaze into her eyes, I see an ocean of love and a magical dove I see... Into a bright future, a lovely nature beneath the stars lovers waging wars an enchanted bliss a slow kiss magic in the air her graceful flair the sweetest secrets no regrets happiness surrounding kisses pounding the wonderful the beautiful the endless and the dream. This post is for someone I love, witnesses are The night, the moon, and the stars up above ;D. BEAUTIFUL 2010-05-06T05:10:00.006+05:30 BEAUTIFUL is... being perfectly real to follow your dreams to be what you are meant to be to fly around in thoughts forgetting the droughts sleeping under stars, vanishing scars watching it rain for hours a laugh like flowers wanting to go through it all over again, still loving the pain scattering light, the first fight to have a feeling that possesses, to be alone in recesses taking action, reaching perfection thought of you, like morning dew your eyes,your smile, nothing venile to witness you, a myth that came true ;D you in the morning, cautiously warning to breathe you, in the hue to grow old with you to die with you to ***seek you an enchanted hope,out in the blue! BEAUTIFUL is - ME with YOU. *** To seek you is to seek me for myself. My Match 2010-05-01T06:43:00.004+05:30 She guides you gently and unarguably by the certain gravity of an invisible feeling quite like an autumn leaf flying an unseen drop in waterfall a tossed hair in breeze a lone star shining in the dark night. You will always be more then a poem to me! ♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Happy Birthday RAIN GIRL ....♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ 2010-04-25T00:01:00.003+05:30 So raingirl Me and You so much different so much in common With times, you have moved as I have too through many dawns and nights and we always came back around we remain the same in name and soul Reminiscing about school days about you and the childhood fights who left their beautiful mark on our lives like an old world mirror image the way it resurrects a memory of all senses you’ve always been the wonder and awe you will continue to soar wide with your wings and be strong in your soul cause you’re beautiful all the way through And I hope you enjoyed the journey As much as I have. ♪♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ♫♪Happy Birthday Dear Sister♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*♪♪♫• Little sister I love you and I will always be there for you. I am just a dark silhouette You are the Silent illuminating light Happy birthday to me 2010-04-02T22:50:00.001+05:30 he told me about his fears all the girls and all the friends and how my B'day means nothing How all these poems and how the pain means nothing ...and you thought love was something... just wait... but still there are going to be storms on April the 3rd b'day cakes and travel thinking I better wish myself and wrap myself as a gift for him like tears in mimic as i lay shaking not an alone orphan a child of blooming instinctive instinct crying in his arms. Happy Birthday :D 2010-03-07T07:32:00.000+05:30 She was a vision Something like a black-magic woman,a rushing a myth alive, blew my mind sparks flying Everything felt as if scripted the characters she used to spin enchanted me as roads to heaven I was the scarred canvas which she chose to paint with Her thoughts ripe with potential and beauty a momentary wind and she was only real in a world's loosest sense for us to meet, in all the far reaching intoxicating space, at a perfect time It will take a miracle of impossible mathematics. But miracles are not physical impossibilities, they are only statistical improbabilities and those happen constantly!! :D On your Birthday I just have to say : I am making my way to You ;) From rabbit's heart ,for you ... distant 2009-12-20T19:58:00.001+05:30 Every word I strained to hear amidst the rains was about you the betrayals and the promises the room I painted for you echoes of distant memory they just won't die With time I've learned that God made emotions but we shape them We can be the masters or We can be the slaves Some have the power make themselves Happy I don't care anymore whether it's raining it's snowing or it's spring I want nothing but happiness and some kisses and hugs ;D Let's paint a masterpiece some beautiful thoughts and flip the light switch for the audience :D sweet memories... 2009-11-08T23:08:00.001+05:30 He's beside her; clasping her hand staring at her innocent face; lost in dreams lips;tender like rose petals fighting the urge to kiss,to touch; He could never lose control feeling sleepy; the shutters just won't close. the sight was too precious; his eyes could never be sore the smell of her hair,softness of her cheeks He couldn't believe; He was living a dream i wait for you . 2009-10-10T20:18:00.002+05:30 As the night begins to undress, i wait for you . Grasping at candles in the dark, I wait for you . Contradictions spinning tangled webs of thought, i wait for you . Heart plastered against walls, i wait for you . Caressing false hope, i wait for you . Cleaning cobwebs 2009-08-26T21:31:00.001+05:30 When it rained, He wished he was home. drenching on the terrace, crying and happy he wanted to be at home He came home. It rained He drenched n cried He felt all alone… Every time I get this question so what’s your dream… I don’t know what to say…If I truly say what I want then most will not like it. So, I say what they want me to say like a ‘CEO’ or ‘Billionaire’. But I don’t want to be an CEO or a very rich man, I just want to have enough satisfaction in my life. For me that means I want my family to be happy, my mom and my sis. I want to travel the world with my soul mate to see all the wonders. To be able to help a friend when In need. To do half the things on my bucket list(yes, I have one, yeah, I am insane ;P).But I still don’t know what I would do to get to that satisfaction in my life. I still have not found that what I would be happy doing. All I know is the destination, not the path. I have no plan no money no job and I am still a virgin (*blush blush) . But I do love myself for being a good guy. As far as I know, I have never betrayed anyone and I know I will never. This is only place that I feel free…I don’t care what anyone thinks about me but I just can’t stop writing that I feel like or I go through. I don’t have a personal diary that I would or may read in future but I do have –rainVille –my public diary. It’s been so long. I have missed this place a lot. Some little changes have taken place in my life:- I quit my job at Dell last month! Now, a basic question that everyone’s asking me is …why? What was the reason?? Actually there were three reasons… 1.Health issues. I am a fitness freak and anything that interferes with my fitness I dislike that. Since Feb I was away from home and gym, feeling so bad for losing my physique slowly with time and then this job at Dell, the odd timings of it destroyed my toned muscles. This was the prime reason for quitting Dell. 2.No use of my knowledge. I have been studying Coding in Computer Languages for last six years. At dell I couldn’t use any of that knowledge (as if I fuckin have any ;D).I didn’t study for that long to work in a call center. 3.well there aren't any beautiful girls there ;) Crush! I like a girl who remembers each dialogue of MPK(Maine Pyaar Kiya ) by heart. For the first time in my life I met someone who has seen that movie more times than me ;) I don’t know when I started liking her but the day I felt that I should tell her, I did. She told me that she still loves someone and that I should concentrate on building my career, whatever the god wants will happen. She’s been a good friend and she’s a very beautiful person at heart. I don’t like it when she cry’s and she does that a lot. Everyday, I miss the beautiful moments I spent with her.I hope that she keeps smiling all the time. It’s coming ! Everyone has this fuckin bad side to them, The one that’s responsible for the untold secrets, the dark side, taboo, things that u don’t want to talk about. It’s forbidden, against the rules and that makes it tempting. He has this evil inside of him too. The fuckin flip-side of the coin. Which he kept and still keeps on suppressing everyday. But it’s getting stronger and he feels that. He can sense a big change in coming days. Sometimes he sees glimpses of him in things he has done. He wants to stop it, But it’s inevitable now. Maybe this will be a good thing. Now I need to end this super long post,I don’t know when I’ll post next or come to visit your blogs.I am too busy thinking ,planning and sorting stuff in my life. But, I can fuckin promise u one thing…I am not leaving, still a lot of juice left in this boy. Have been reading ‘Joan.Konner.The.Atheist's.Bible’… I found an interesting quote in REVELEATIONS chapter by anonymous… I believe in God;I just don’t trust anyone who works for him. she's, 2009-06-24T06:08:00.003+05:30 she's a heavenly thought her heart is pure in billion distinct ways like a searchlight,sparkling in my eye she's pure like the touch of drops like childhood sunsets She's that time of the night when everything is soaked in moonlight she's a memory,i hope to create ...she's an arrow shot in the dark,...straight through my heart. ... 2009-06-21T14:48:00.000+05:30 the longer i remain the less i shine... persisting here would certainly lead to pain... this week... 2009-06-14T21:25:00.003+05:30 I am continuing from my last post... So,we started our process training,we had to give 12 compliance test.It was so boring...i don't know why Dell ppl made us go through it.It was a waste of time. We teared down desktops ans laptops and assembled them again.For three days we did this and in between had lots of fun, listening to paranormal experiences of my classmates.SOme of those stories were so childish hehe...,I have never believed in ghosts and spirits,so,it was so much fun pulling there leg. We even watch the exorcism of emily rose videos on you tube.One girl started weeping.And i was like why do u watch this stuff when u can't handle it lolz anyways,the cafeteria vendor has changed and the food he serves tastes yuck...so yuck... But i have no other option, I have to eat that yucky food.The other day the plates were dirty so i complained to vendor and still the next plate i got was same,that was enough for mei have sent a mail to facilities people. And I have moved to delhi now.I live in lajpat nagar.It's so full of life.That's where my sis lives.My prime reason to move there.I met her for lunch yesterday after long long time.It was wonderful.I am so lucky to have a sis like mine. I saw 'Angels and demons' yesterday and i loved it.It was all about science vs religion.My fav topic and I got my first salary on friday...yipeeeee,it feels so good. I am going to send all of it to my mom.I wanted to do this for a long long time. take care people i will catch ya again next week. a journey,new begining 2009-06-07T02:00:00.002+05:30 i wanted to post this for along time,but never had the time.Alas,the time has come and here how it goes... in feb i landed in noida for training in HP.It was fun,the trainers and my class mates.I always sat on the backbench.People joined me soon everyone was calling us the 'backbenchers'.Met some good people there...some are good friends now. The flat where i stayed was a penthouse, an unfurnished one on 7th floor.The terrace was all ours.Then came my b'day,i bum got it's share of kicks ;D and my face got a CAKEPACK.My flat mates were so nice,i miss u guys.I still remember the day i was giving my b'day party to my HP mates and it started raining.We all on roof and getting drenched in rain having vodka and Absinth.It will stay in memory for a long time. In between i met my blog clone mayz for the first time...actually the first blogger i have met till yet.We met at Spice mall and had a coffee.Then we went to gold gym,mayz wanted to join it...he was quite serious about it.But he didn't go he got too busy with job.Anyways Me and my clone met again,this time at my flat and made love to green fairy.She enchanted him too. we watched... the way she looks around at the landscape and the way she moves almost nervous almost profound almost laughing at her own words and promises of adventures with a couple of poets from outta' town He told me the secrets of that GMD song,which i never knew existed.I had a lot of fun and had that drinking session at last.Keep rocking on clone.My best wishes forever. Training was nearing the end and i decided to have a go at Dell in gurgaon,and it was mayz who gave a ride to gurgaon that day.I got through the interview.Got a descent package and was selected as a senior technical assistant in USCTS.So I decided to join Dell.I got 'A' grade in training and i came to Dell. First two days were induction days.I met two gr8 guys.They call us the three musketeers.But, our induction batch was divided into two. 73 A and 73 B. I was in 73 B and my two friends in 73 A.And we got a Communication trainer,Paras Mohan.The first day of training we introduced ourselves.We had to draw a Knight's Shield on a paper and divide it into 3 parts and in first part we had to draw figures representing ourselves and in second part we have to draw figures representing our education and work-experience,in third part of shield we had to draw figures representing our aim in life.And below this shield we were allowed to use words, to write our motto in life. In first part,i drew a turtle,clouds and rain and pillar and a ladder and then we had to explain what we drew.It was so much fun. We acted in a skit about modern Ramayana (where Ravana abducts Sita)in which i acted as "Lucky the laxman" and wrote some dialogues.It was my second performance ever on stage.I have stage fright so this was big thing for me.Loved it totally and our performance was the best. Pre-assessment happened:-- i was told that i speak too fast and their are some pronunciation problem. The training continued.I had to rush home on my week-off's to give my final practical exam.It went gr8, and to my surprise and i topped.I got 97%.Came rushing back to Noida and it was business at usual at Dell. On a normal day i woke up at 8 a.m. in the morning and went to bed at 2 a.m.It was killing me.ou see how ugly all this beautiful is...So, i decided to move to gurgaon.But,It would take time.I continued going to Dell from Noida.Our trainer was so good,he gave us frequent breaks,we listened to haunting stories of other batch mates,we watched Russell Peters,guitar sessions on Fridays and cricket on Dell terrace. Amazing times guys.Loved this experience there. A friend came from UAE and gifted me a sony Cybershot 10.1 megapixel,something i wanted for a long long time.I am so grateful to him.Hopefully he clears GMAT and moves to USa. ;) On tuesday I moved to gurgaon...but here we have power cuts and transportation is a big problem. daily i spend 300 bucks on my food.I will move to delhi i think.This is not economical for me. Anyways post-assessment happened :-- there were mock calls and we have to follow the script. i goofed up the opening and there were some pronunciation errors again.But my trainer made an exception and asked me to do another mock call.My batch mates all of them wished me best of luck,and i did another mock call.It was good this time.But, due to some error,it didn't get saved after 2.5 seconds.So, i did another one.. this one again was not saved...then another,i was so nervous. But at last we managed to save it and i was through.I was congratulated by my batch mates and i was so happy that i am through to the next level,which is process training. The next day we were introduced to our process trainer.She told us she doesn't know what fun is and once we reach Dell,we are under her command and we can never be late,even for a minute.She told us that these 9 hours are mine not yours.We all knew that honeymoon time is over and now we will see the real Dell.We had to do some compliance tests the first day and then we were free.From monday our Process training starts and i hope i can make it through. ohh i almost forgot ... we have a Gym in Dell and i have joined it.It's been two days.I am so happy that i am working out again. p.s. --- She came in my dream yesterday,it was so beautiful.When i woke up i was all smiles. And if i really bored you guys then u can hop on to Dewdropandleaves. take care guys and i hope u don't mind my absence from your comment section.I really was and still i am too busy. hugs to you all tata birla and ambani me won't let me 2009-05-07T14:55:00.001+05:30 i won't let her see me the caress i feel of her against me it doesn't wash off it never will i can't fade the moments Me won't let Me she on me bloody, messy romance it clings to me, Always pain from you stirs my heart's lust she tortured my love,someone tortured yours we share the same broken, black heart ahhh...the pain we put each other through pray 2009-05-06T05:45:00.000+05:30 I don't want to say anything really. I just want you guys to look up every once in a while and pray. death... 2009-05-03T19:34:00.000+05:30 I lost a friend on 28th of this April. this post is a dedication to him 'Ashish' i will miss you bro.Those moments though few, i will cherish them forever... this one's for you today mate...RIP he's sad and i'd like for him to believe that he's gone to a better place a happy hunting ground welcomed with open arms by loved ones wearing white linens and maybe that is what you should believe but this world here now for you is just silent pain and I realize that death is a freight train with no fucking brakes maybe we're the stronger accepting our fate in death or maybe we're the foolish ones believing in strong genetic coding and bullshit and nonsense and poetry and love the only thing certain in life is death so I say Godspeed he n me 2009-05-01T20:49:00.000+05:30 He:i didn't like what she left behind. me:neither do i. he:i told you. me:i had to try. he:i want you to be me. me:but i am you. he:you were. me:i will try keeping temptations at bay. he:i hope for your sake you don't falter again. tossed card 2009-04-30T19:21:00.005+05:30 it comes to him part by part a little faded her smile,eyes,voice, and hair he knows she's doesn't care he was not the one he was not rich i remember how he felt every time he saw her wide smiles aching body buzz in heart he got addicted she was a drug she got him high A glimpse was enough to satisfy and just like that he is now a 'card', tossed aside my fear 2009-04-28T06:48:00.002+05:30 i can't describe the ways i like you, they're buried underneath these years of pride, farce, chance, humanity.I can't get close to you, you're more distant than concept, absolution, certainty. I starve to understand you. I ache when i consider you.Will i quench my desire or will i embrace the potency of fate. My will is to defy. my fear consumes me. the path is always silent, it seems. She and the Moon 2009-04-24T16:44:00.001+05:30 Reflecting light back to the moon And broadcasting their girlish love The moon and she She can be so far away And hold him with intimacy still He swells as she swells and wanes as well With her and only her Dedicated to two most beautiful people i know. this dreams's on me 2009-04-11T08:27:00.002+05:30 Future Fiction you're there with pretty green strings strung to misfortune and desire,mismatching attire you smile from across the heaven and fabricated a feelings's seeds you lift yourself from the hardness and your dreadful spiteful deeds and I whisper to the bartender, "The next dream's on me" you stare into your glass focused on empty lust and greed scanning down the path for a young strong worthy steed but your picture's just the past and your tears are why you bleed and as you scrape your dusty pockets the next dream's on me and he pours another glass says, "this one's free" and your eyes find me finally and then you see that your worries are just boundaries where your mind and spirit meet and I lift my glass deliberately "this dream's on me" Gazillion Things About Me 2009-04-09T17:44:00.004+05:30 This was supposed to be published on my birthday but lazy me kept on postponing it... i was tagged by Big B to do this gazillion TAg.I have to post like 125 random things about me,so BIG Bro here it is... i hope u guys don't fall sleep reading (seriously)... 1.I love chocolates 2.i am addicted to my computer 3.Flame shots are my specialty...just give me a bottle of vodka. 4.In school i was as slim as a chopstick. 5.I don't want to die. 6.I am a romantic person and i had it my way i will make sure my special one never forgets our first valentine. 7.I don't believe in true love anymore. 8.ice-creams in winters make me happy. 9.I like to get drenched in rains 10.I am happiest when i am sleeping. 11.I don't like eating out. 12.MMy Mom have been told by 7 astrologers that i will murder some1.I haven't killed anyone...yet. 13.A dog bit me once,when i was picking the ball,I was a kid then. 14.My vision is weak...and i have to wear spects now.I don't like myself. 15.Dream Girl: Suman From Maine Pyaar Kiya. 16.First blogger i met: Mayz. 17.I am scared of driving bikes.Haven't driven one in last 5 years. 18.no problem in adjusting at anyone's place...just show me the bed. 19.I love my biceps. 20.I am an atheist. 21.Can play "sa re ga ma" on Guitar. 22.I have watched REVOLVER over 100 times. 23.My birth-certificate says my name is Vishal ..lol 24.I love to sleep...i can sleep for 12-13 hours on a trot. 25.HAVE YOU EVER: 1. Dated someone twice → No. 2. Been cheated on? → Yes 3. Kissed someone & regretted it? → No. 4. Lost someone special? → Yes 5. Been depressed?→ Yes 6. Been drunk and threw up? → Yes, thrice. 26.HAVE YOU: 1. Made new friends → Yes.Two great ones. 2. Fallen out of love → Yes. 3. Laughed until you cried → yes. 4. Met someone who changed you → yes,a little. 5. Found out who your true friends were → Yes 6. Found out someone was talking about you → Yes 7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list → Nope 8. Made the first Move → No 10. Do you have any pets → No,I had pets when i was a kid. 11. Do you want to change your name → No 12. What did you do for your last birthday → Stayed at home.Had dinner with mom. 13. What time did you wake up today – 8:21 a.m. 14. What were you doing at midnight last night→ chatting with a girl 15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → April 15th 16. Last time you saw your father → 2002 17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → more money... 18. Most visited webpage → Gmail, Facebook and Demonoid. 27.ABOUT U: 1. What's your name→ Vikram 2. Nicknames→ vicky,vp and vikku. 3. Height → 5'11” 4. Zodiac sign → Aries 5. Male or female or transgendered → Male 6. Elementary→ Campus School Pantnagar university 7. Schools → Campus School Pantnagar university 8. Colleges → SIMT,Rudrapur 9. Fantasy:to have a house of glass surrounded by jungle,it's raining and i am looking through the glass,a cup of coffee in my hand. 10. Hair color → Black 11. Long or short → short 12. Ever been in love? Yes, once 13. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yes, The current count is 2. 14. Piercings → want one 15. Tattoos → never 16. Righty or lefty → Righty 17. First piercing → Soon 18: First best friends → Sid 19. First sport you joined: Cricket and Chess 20. First pet → Dog named 'Tony'. 21. First vacation → hmmmm...punjab,jalandhar 22. First concert → Never 23. First crush --> Manisha 24. Eating → ? --------- 25. Drinking → Beer in my class 10th holidays.I was in Naini tal with friends.I drank 2 glasses. 27. I'm about to → sleep. 28. I was once inspired my Adolf Hitler.I was in Class 9 then. 29. I love milk.1/2 liter everyday in the giant glass i have. 30. Listening to--> Quit playing games with my heart-BB 31. I don't forgive easily. 31. I don't forget a favor either. 33. I have a little scar on my left temple from an accident. 34. I was in car accident in june 2007,nose broke from 2 places.I don't think i look good anymore. 35.I eat anything that can be eaten by you.I eat good,healthy low-fat food. 36.I am always interested to go 'places'.I am a traveler. 37.I was Mr. Farewell on my graduation day in 2006. 38.I am too attached to my belongings,my shoes,my mobiles etc... 39.I fell in love with a friend. 40.When i get drunk : i chat a lot and eat a lot of chicken 41.Though i have a lot of patience but I hate to wait. 42.I quit smoking but after 6 months started again. 43.I love darkside...so tempting and mysterious. 44.I made my first buck when i was 8 or 9. 45.When i feel lonely i go to sleep. 46.I miss talking to my dad. 47.I don't like to fight.If someone does, i don't spare them. 48.I am shy ,when it comes to talking to girls. 49.Sometimes i weep and weep a lot. 50.I rarely watch Hindi movies.Hollywood is my flavour. 51.I prefer to hit the gym then to go to a pub. 52.I like to shave every 3rd day. 53.My Girl-Friends say i seemed arrogant to them at first. 54.Don't believe in miracles and fate.I look for logical explanations always. 55.My Fav. song is "Come Undone" By Duran Duran 56.I have been hit-on by both sexes. 57.I have watched Whole of Friends Seasons during exam season. YOUR FUTURE : 58. Want kids? --> No 59. Want to get married ? --> No 60. Careers in mind? --> Taxi driver,Business tycoon 61. In 2006, i gained a lot of muscle and looked my best till now.I miss the me from 2006. 62.Fav actor(Male):Hollywood:- John Trivolta in past, Russell Crowe & Denzel Washington at present. 63.Fav actor(Female):Hollywood:- Meryl Streep & Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet at present. 64.Fav actor(Male):Indian:- Abhay Deol. 65.Fav actor(Female):Indian:- Konkana sen. 66.I don't want to be a Coder.I want to be a manager. 67.I want to learn Kick boxing. 68. Lips or eyes → Eyes 69. Hugs or kisses→ Kisses 70. Shorter or taller → Taller 71. Older or Younger → both 72. Romantic or spontaneous → Spontaneous 73. Nice stomach or nice arms → stomach ...lolz 74. Sensitive or loud → different roles in different places. 75. Hook-up or relationship → relationship 76. Sex on first date → Maybe. 77. Trouble maker or hesitant → Troublemaker 78. Kissed a stranger → Yes, maybe ;D ...ehehee 79. Lost glasses/contacts → Yes Glasses -- many times. 80. Broken someone's heart → Yes. 81. Had your own heart broken → Yes. 82. Been arrested → No 83. Turned someone down → Yes 85. Cried when someone died → Yes 86. Liked a friend that is a girl/boy? → girl yes,i fell in love. 87. Cheated on a friend → Never. 88. Felt Betrayed → yes.Have lost count now. DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 89. Yourself → Always,Yes 90. Miracles → Seeing in believing,When i will see one happening only then can i believe. 91. Love at first sight → lolz...never 92. Heaven → No. 93. Santa Clause → No 94. Peace in this lifetime→ No 95. Kissing on the first date? → maybe 96. Angels → No 97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? --> Yes. 98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time in the past? --> No 99. You will die Young→ Yes, I want to die in forties. 100. You will end with the one you love and learn to love the one you are with – yeah why not. 101.I am scared of water.But i want to go river rafting. 102.Would love to have 50 suits and 100 pairs of shoes. 103.If u want me to do something for you...just give me a chocolate bar and ask. 104. Last beverage → Absinthe then Vodka with Limca & Ice. 105. Last phone call--> Ashish Raina,45 minutes ago. 106. Last text message→ yesterday 107. Last song you listened to→ pitbull-KRazy(ft. lil john) 108. Last time you cried→ 2 months ago 110. Last meal: Had Scrambled eggs in lunch 111.I may shift to Toronto,Canada by 2012. 112.My idol: Mahatama Gandhi 113.I want to have a physique like Enrique.That's perfection for me. 114.In my dreams i see myself as a Vampire... 115.I wish i had wings sometimes. 116.MY first prized possession was a little pencil box. 117.I love sunglasses. 118.My juniors called me 'bhokaal style'(awesomeness) in college. 119.I bashed up my senior once in college toilet coz he wanted to screw my friend's sister.I was suspended for 5 days.It was so satisfying.I loved myself for that. 120.I like to say 'issssssssshhh' whenever i forget something. 121.I love the bhokaal(godmax) word and i use it a lot. 122.I want tons n tons of money to spend on my family. 123.If i die i want my body to be sent to ALcor Life Foundation. 124.I hope i get THAT deal that will change my life and all my problems would be solve. 125.I still miss my childhood fights with my sister. I am not tagging anyone..whosoever wants can tag themselves. tc ppl lust 2009-04-04T21:20:00.000+05:30 Future fiction one night in the neverland two strangers stayed it was raining he was cold she was bewitching drenched to the core she wrapped herself in his arms he wraps himself in lust the night became their trust he mumbled,she crumbled sloshed in temptations they bit the apple both played the game they ravished they caved Happy Happy b'day to me N my blog... 2009-04-03T18:04:00.004+05:30 Hi ever1, hard to believe but it's already been a year :D it has been a journey that i will cherish for ever.I met a lots n lots of gr8 people,who were so kind to me and made me feel loved.You guys were always here for me..not matter how stupid i sounded or how foolish my actions were. When i look back and see what i was a year ago..i can't believe that i have this attitude now.I am so in love with myself...yes yes yes it's true,i love u but i love me more ;D There are some special ppl who shaped my life and i can't thank them enough. This post would not be complete without naming you guys... my clone,my bro: heymayz,an arian to the core...thanx a ton bro,BTW you were the first one to wish me bearhugs! ...my big B Vee,he's the big b i always missed in my life.Those talks still echo in my mind sometimes beeRhugs bro! ...met sisters,Cindy my biggest critic and fan, thank you sis,your comments are precious to me. Sameera,sho sweet sis,always scolding me...i miss reading u a lot sis...come back plzzz phoenix,she's so caring and helpful,always there for you.i still remember those talks with u sis. runnerfrog, such an intelligent person he is,i just love his artistic works,a rare gem. Sid,u bro,me n u always argue,making me see the things the way i should see them.i love his poems,so simple so deep. preeti,whenever someone pushes me into corner,i call her.She's so gr8 with words,she can kiLL ppl with a line. Joie,such an innocent soul,my future boss,shoo sweet person,Loves 'jalebi'!see u in nov dear;) Ne,she changed my perception about blondes ;D.Gonna have tequila shots someday girl...thank you for being there and making me laugh. MysLykesMeeh,she kept me walking in the right direction,giving me confidence to move on.Thank you dear. chan,party animal to the core,out of the world attitude,& she sleeps like a baby,rest i am still trying to figure out..lol frenchess i still remember the first time we talked,a cool person and so full of happiness. Thanx to all who ever visited me...forgive me if i forget your name...still under the influence of green fairy... i have to tell you all about my b'day ,i will- in coming posts...also there was a tag that i was supposed to do today,but i am really busy...so i will make sure i post a gazillion things about me next time. tc ppl and you stalkers i will catch ya soon... ;D no clue 2009-03-09T02:00:00.003+05:30 something sentimental, in a rain in the drops and the sound they make as they unflinchingly fall touching a heavenly place something grand, around the trees swinging smoothly with the wind on a small timeworn unlit road way to neverland something piercing, can still smell the scent of last monsoon and the indistinct college memories of you me the high times felt like a storm lookin for what... Vik has no clue closure... 2009-02-18T23:31:00.001+05:30 If there could be one moment where you didn't cross my mind I think I'd live forever in it and leave the rest behind cause I don't think now, I truly know that mark you left upon me is a scar that runs real raw and no matter how I try to fade you from the corners of my heart I can't seem to dull the rougher edges to make your memory less sharp and it's times just like these dreary days where once you'd be the one to hold my head tight in your arms while I cried out all the pain but you are just a memory one that refuses to wane and my own arms are my only comfort and no tear is cried in vain cause I don't believe I've really wept since last I saw your face but I'd really like to mend that now and let every single tear cry out so I can breathe in the fresher air without the blur of you that lingers there note: ----- i tried to close it once and for all today i just wanted to tell her that i was wrong we could be the friends that we were i called her she didn't pick up she messaged me "i don't want 2 talk to u.plz don't call me or msg me..." i don't even know what i did wrong.. i loved her 100% and what i get??? i like to blame myself for everything ..but really don't know what was my fault. now i really want to change Vikram-nice guy = whatever that is good and doesn't hurt. i am going to change ... i don't believe in true love anymore... these romantic films gave me unrealistic expectations about love.. so stupid i was,... would try to never be again... this was an experience ..and not only i regret it but i cherish it too.. OXY,Mayz,and SID i need that gyaan session from u guys!gonna give a call to u guys soon... girls .. y do guys behave the way they do?? this is one of the reason... me gonna change and i am gonna change big time.... most of u are not going to like me.. the call and the consequences 2009-02-15T03:05:00.003+05:30 i just couldn't stop myself.I had to call her today.I got the news that her old number is still working from my friend Akhil.I was with my sister at that time. I told her i want to talk to her... She asked me bro why do u want to do this?what would you get by calling her. i said tomorrow i don't want to think that i should have called her today.So we decided on sending an SMS.i sent an SMS..but it remained pending.So i walked out of the room and called her....she was on another call so i waited...it kept on ringing till the connection was timed out i.e. my cell displayed no answer. I called again..again busy...after 6 bells she picked up.. me:hello she:hello me: hi ******** vicky bol raha hoon(hi ******** vicky speaking) she: hi me:happy valentine's day to you she:thank you me:where have u been ,no news nothing,haven't been in touch she:i am in Lucknow doing my training me:in lucknow...in TCS?? she: no me:what platform she:.net me:so you are going in that stream now she:when ur call came i was on other call from home.They are on hold.we will talk later. me:ok bye call disconnected i was nervous by that time,couldn't breathe properly.Maybe it's my weak heart. anyways i went into the room and whispered into my sister's ear..y do i get so nervous when i talk to her..?but we weren't alone so couldn't talk. anyways i didn't call her again.I felt like i was shot again,i thought and i am still thinking why am i doing this to myself and still i'm looking to never give her up.Why?Why?why? i can't find an answer.i am feeling like a neglected fruit. i called up sheetal(our common friend) when i reached home and asked y didn't u tell me she's in lucknow..she said,it was not a big thing ..and i thought it wasn't important.I think of sheetal as my sis and she cares for me,scolds me too. she said i don't know why are you doing this brother...she doesn't care about you.Y do u care for her so much.Don't think so much about her.Please concentrate on your studies and career.i want to see u at the place where you should be. she also told me that whenever she talks to her she can't talk about me and whenever she talks to me she can't talk about her. "what happened to our friend circle bro.It's not the same anymore.You keep focus on your career and don't think too much." then i called Akhil ..and told him about the conversation(if it was one),i asked him how long did she talked to you(he had called her earlier.He told me that at first his call was on waiting too.but then she talked with him as they used to do normally in college and they talked for 11 minutes or so.She also told him that there was some problem at home so she was busy talking to them when his call was on waiting. but she did talk to him for 11 minutes and me..not even a minute. She wasn't her normal self with me as the last time. or maybe she really was on hold with call from home and didn't have the time to talk with me...but then she could've given me a missed call afterwards. i have been upset after that ..came to room and my friends asked waht's wrong buddy? i said nothing me good guys.but they knew and they know that me not the same that i am usually.anyways i didn't talk about anything. i called my friend Anshu who lives in delhi and talked to him.He was like "why are u feeling low bro,you should be happy that u talked to her..that's what you wanted,Right??.You should be proud of your love for her.Have faith in your love." I was so not getting these words.I am feeling like someone who's been shot again and again and still wants to get shot.Doomed by love.It's that i am not able to understand why she's doing this...i had to blurt it all out here.i know all of you will say...move on.But guys i just can't,i have tried but i can't and why..i really don't know. maybe i am a foolish one who ate the forbidden apple like a hole in the night to dead to fight old metal in the dust left to rust believing in happy endings and bullshit and nonsense and poetry and love WTF!! the call still hurts my ears living the fears holding my tears don't want to speak my heart beat is bleak it still pumps but i can't breathe even a smile is a burden now you know what rip tide feels like? when the water's in you squeezing your lungs tight a tragic breathless fight bursting wide your insides and i died that time a washed up child abandoned like the lifeless shells left aside by wayward ladybugs one instant may mean more than you could ever know and in that instant you might lose everything you never know V-day 2009-02-14T14:42:00.001+05:30 wrapped up blood-red and absorbing radiating love-light a stemmed flower the prize of the day can say it all the loneliness sets in, as the day gets young soon comes the night wonder who will be my Valentine tonight at crossroads lone eyes and none other to look into playing with words a year ago 2009-01-20T17:17:00.000+05:30 It was only three days and a year ago i don't even know if u counted but i know that you know someone's still holding on waiting & breathing dreams dancing with the wicked listening to stupid heart who has took the wheel again decades of romance, surrounding me and still not existing at all smell of the earth whenever and wherever it rains, will always remind me of you making me smile because you were way too close, on my side of the road because you are way too close, for me not to fall in love again! the last drop 2008-11-19T21:23:00.003+05:30 she is dressed in a plain white top, blue tight jeans, preppy black sandals and wearing make-up. There is the slight frown that gives her perfectly proportioned face poignancy, and her vaguely sarcastic delivery is softened by her deep brown eyes. In conversation she is thoughtful, engaging and open.Her appeal is undeniable. That day,He was mesmerised and he wished he wasn't wearing that stupid shirt.He was amazed to discover that, when he was saying "you look beautiful", what he meant was, "I love you." And even more amazing was the day he realized he truly loved her. P.S. ---- BEARHugs to all my readers.People who connected with me and felt what i felt. Take care "rainboy" will miss ya all. xoxo nearing the end(updated) 2008-11-13T20:50:00.018+05:30 i was a sketch of a shooting star she.. wanted a photograph. :( swaying in the wind beneath the moon,the sun thinking about him and her rolling around the scars watching the shadows and the stars sounds of pain drops in the breeze stories they told about the one put on hold itching to succeed trying hard to hide tears standing on the roof among the fog he doesn't belong here fearing the fear swinging his way without so much as a sound the air gets denser around the throat soon the rain will fall to finish it all he's similar to soaring kite he never gives up a Rajput fighting till last breath is his plight P.S. The next post will be my last one for this blog.Will take a break from blog ville for sometime.But i will come back with another blog. Leaving for delhi tomorrow so won't be replying. take care guys i love you ;D Don't forget to comment on the poems the cold and fan and blanket stuffed pillow,white sheet staring at the ceiling dark as hell everything is calm there's no sound drowned in dream just woke up a bit shaken midnight flower 2008-11-07T01:34:00.002+05:30 midnight flower in snowy times bewitching enchanting fetching shine drenched for long in the thoughts of wrong smells of a love song can' take you out of mind trying to keep the horse steady clinging on to the petals delaying the unenvitiable like clouds-the rainmaker walking with silhouettes,talking to walls acting cozy and nice A midnight flower of her time treasures of memory trunks raindrops on the tin the hangout the haunt little small things the cuteness in a teddy bear the silence of raging ocean A midnight flower of her time the innocence,the laughter the smile Now,eyelids are going to fall so i say sweet dreams to this midnight beauty "Until next time" always in the memory trunks. untitled 2008-11-05T23:47:00.000+05:30 Am I trying too hard to make me forget you cause these eyes are tired and I just want to sleep you off already It's my poems and I standing up to the world! I know you hate that part cause you had loved once..... it's raining 2008-11-02T14:07:00.002+05:30 sticking the segments together keeping them apart painting pictures, on the walls of my heart mixture of pain and rain stuck in here for so long maybe i let them stay more it's been ages lack of action on my part the time is ripe feeling the hunger the need,the crave have been smelling the rain for too long sucking every drop of the rain releasing them here, so that till eternity i stare the time maybe near thinking about words i should have said the miles i didn't drive hope you come back and forgive me i miss looking into your eyes,the smile the smell of the earth, the smell of your hair please don't go away , don't leave me like this it's raining,, and i don't want to walk alone.... staying awake till the sunrise hoping my eyes open to a surprise. the beer and a guitar 2008-10-30T02:45:00.003+05:30 fiddling with memories and the rain all of it the calls,the talks, the minutes,the hours, the smiling moments odd or even, smiling or crying the images, they will not live forever the thoughts of a random play, the attraction,the temptation and seducing vibes leave me startled and foolish speculating your origins' your ways,your thoughts what's in me..that you see??? veins on fire parched mouth thirsty soul seeking the rain shiny eyes magic of sight, lost in the night wanting a tattoo or a scar, the beer and a guitar... near and distant 2008-10-27T01:35:00.006+05:30 floating around listening to roxy sounds dead mind is plain blank the parity of clouds when they spit,they scream scattered drops,lightning and the flakes making hissing noises they fall,they touch, silently into the night pulsing perception relations and bonds both near and distant reasons and causes have similar patterns You know, I had a pimple om my nose when I was a teenager and I tried so hard to cover it up, and then years later I had another pimple and I didn't feel like covering it up at all. That's the difference between being 18 and being where i am now. I was so busy covering my insecurities that it made them stick out more. Today I just walk in and announce them.so let me talk about moving on... Sure I've thought about it.If I could ever meet the right sort of girl. Aw, where you gonna find her? Somebody that's real. Somebody that's alive. They don't come that way anymore. Have I ever thought about it? I've even been sucker enough to make plans. You know, I saw picture of a resort in mexico on facebook once. I've never been able to forget it. That's where I'd like to take her. She'd have to be the sort of a girl who'd... well, who'd jump in the surf with me and love it as much as I did. You know, nights when you and the moon and the water all become one. You feel you're part of something big and marvelous. That's the only place to live... where the stars are so close over your head you feel you could reach up and stir them around. Certainly, I've been thinking about it. Boy, if I could ever find a girl who was hungry for those things... It's just that anytime I hang on to any bit of hope it slips away from me. When your life is defined by a single action, it changes the concept of time. when i was child,i thought being brave meant that you had to take action. That to have a dream and get forward in life you need courage. But the only thing you need courage for, is for standing still. if i had to, I’d wipe out the whole planet to get her back. be the knowledge be the drop that fills the ocean upto the brim that moment,that instant the heaven belongs to you Happy B'day Dad 2008-10-22T00:59:00.006+05:30 miss those days when i was child i looked up to you the shining sun, in the dark clouds you fulfilled my every wish regret those days when.. i should have stayed silent i yelled at you as u tried to tell me what to do didn't listen to what you spoke in those moments i know your heart broke wish i could make it right and avoid all those fights wish you were here to kill the pain and walk with me in the rain Today is my dad's birthday and this is the sixth year since he passed away.I have so many things to tell him and questions to ask. We were so much alike that we basically clashed and held a strong dislike for the other.At one point in my life, I worried that I hated him.And I often felt certain that he hated me.It was all emotional and all consuming, though in the moment I did not realize the extent. It was all his fault anyways, he was the reason why I was genetically made the way I was made.I inherited every aspect of this man. And I don't think I often let him forget that. I never once thought of how all of this was from his side of the fence. I only think of that now - after his life is all said and done, with so many things left unsaid and undone.It kills me to think of how easily things could have been so much different. I want to say that I loved him so much and I didn't tell him enough......now,there never is enough I love you's even if I said it everyday and every hour. I really hate the people who have trashed him in life now come to me and say how sorry they are. How hypocritical.It's tough missing him everyday.....But I know he would want me to keep my chin up, so Dad that's what I am going to do.....for you.............I love you so much....I am glad you were there Dad,to teach me about right and wrong, about family, and dedication, and honesty. You are not here anymore but your words of wisdom, your unconditional love, your joy, your laughter is always in my memories. Happy Birthday Dad high moments 2008-10-21T12:07:00.000+05:30 cold green mountains solitude of crowded air trembling hands clinking glasses dancing bottles soda and whiskey lighting cigarettes beer,peanuts bonfire under the stars something about an escape with friends something about these high moments exhaling 2008-10-20T11:29:00.000+05:30 saw the darkness shine knowingly embraced it souvenirs around eyes exhaling the pain not making any sense pretending to understand, Loneliness in numbers.. the night and the unrest.. no pushing, no struggle moving slowly soon he'll be back in race Still reading course books, not understanding a word. Re-reading the same lines, forgetting where I left off. Still not undertstanding. Once again, the same thoughts. all the shit that happened?I know,he knows..It was just shit that happened,right?And now i did like to know that me stuck here and too many fucking months have gone by to.. fuck it's so corny to..to make up for the lost fucking time. it's a play 2008-10-18T23:48:00.009+05:30 crying and crying, the wretched juvenile an stuttering heart, things fallen apart uncared and experienced with age, ain't no fury,ain't no rage winding-up the rains air filled with the smell embracing the raindrops they fall in the night clouds cannot hold tears of the time it's a play and i am the mime Millions of seconds of her, I have locked her in every place you can think off, i have never been the playboy or the flirty ass. for me... me it is just about security and commitment and whatever the fuck else! When you're young, not much matters. When you find something that you care about, then that's all you got. When you go to sleep at night you dream of her. When you wake up it's the same thing. It's there in your face. You can't escape it. Sometimes when you're young the only place to go is inside..inside to hide. That's just it -she is what I love. Take her away from me and I really got nothing. the faded dreams there's no beauty to them unlike the faded jeans trying to redraw them those moments,that time wind flowing through your hair when there was nothing in sight,but you maybe one day dreams will come true his love would stay forever,as it's true! love stained force drowning the ritual of purity! refused and ruined the forsaken being, lets no memory escape the love blot, affecting me with times that never happened He's not a saddist, just a brokenheart.And his problem happens to be love. He has no control over this, this evil thing inside, the fire, the voices, the torment!It's there all the time, driving him out to wander the streets, following me, silently, but I can feel it there. It's me, pursuing myself! I want to escape, to escape from myself! But it's impossible. I can't escape, I have to obey it. I have to run, run... endless streets. I want to escape, to get away! And I'm pursued by ghosts. Ghosts of memories and of those moments... they never leave me. They are always here...always, always, always...except when I do workouts,Then I can't remember anything. And afterwards they are back! But no one understands me. Who knows what it's like to be me? How I'm forced to act... how I must, must... don't want to, must! Don't want to, but must! And then a voice screams! I can't bear to hear it! I can't go on! I can't... I can't... Quote from "REVOLVER": ===================== The greatest con, that he ever pulled... was making you believe... that he is you. He 2008-10-18T07:12:00.000+05:30 he's seen every kind of emotion, pain, sadness, and betrayals. He's full of love,sadness,harmony,honesty and benevolence. His blurts are facts,acclaiming her,an atheist,elegant,arrogant, and heartbroken; chalking out his future;he breaks rules;at times his actions are silly,false,cold,heartless and mean. The price of love.You've got the glory, you gotta take the little heartaches that go with it. Now look at me: I've got no love, I've got no glory, I've got no romance, I've got no happiness! But I've got - ....what have I got? home is just a broken bottle anyplace to put up your feet scraping along carpet imprint jaw pried open hard to get a nap in here FAv Quote From "REVOLVER": ========================= One thing I've learned in the last seven years: in every game and con there's always an opponent, and there's always a victim. The trick is to know when you're the latter, so you can become the former. the problem child 2008-10-17T17:21:00.005+05:30 the problem child all my life ran through frights i was the one the lightening beam, the pure morning breeze, caressing your lovely face now i am the black dog, crying in the night the high tide on the rise erupting volcano,raging rapid, the face of evil the eye of dark the good gone bad or the bad gone good i have my reasons and the heart is boiling angry in the fry pan of the disillusioned love but i don't really mind the smell theirs winter in a daydream and i awake to snowy nightmares what a beautiful existence from behind the telephone pole jungles you see me writing about love and her.They come on to tell me the true meaning of it all,change your attitude for the rest of the life and be nice to bums and submit to bla bla and compliment your friends bla bla blah .I really can't stand because folks if mythical personalities can pretend to have a soul then so can I. P.s. ==== This is my fourth post today..Still i haven't been able to let it all out.I want an awakening under blue skys and a beautiful array of birds. what have i become?? 2008-10-17T14:47:00.005+05:30 when we talked i didn't just heard her i felt her There was a time, a time before love. When he reigned supreme. When he believed everything he did. This was an age when he didn't allowed anyone to come close to his heart. And in time,she came,swept his off his feet,she was more then the rest.?Her name was *****. She was like a angel walking amongst mere mortals.She had a voice that could make his heart dance and adrenalin pumping. In other words,she was the one. You know how when someone is like the sun shining on you - the approval, all the "You're so wonderful"? That's what it was like when I was with her. He'll see her again tonight in dreamland. But his dreamshows makes my eyes rain! And they said crying is for little girls. Vicky gazes at these mountains of love dreaming of smiles with wine dark eyes pebbles have fallen over the ledge infinite miles of road ahead dreamt of dining under starry beaches not remembering history that this way lies nothing but dead ends He not talking not happy not here just someone for everyone for an escape for freedom turned to ash dangling from a cigarette used up and wasted hell is what he tasted... anything but this i cry anything but this P.S. ==== This is a "private" room of mine.Out of curiosity everyone wants to walk through a door marked "private." for me being in love is like @#%$@.I am friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! I will never love again.Look, I don't mean to be rude guys but this is not as easy as it looks! I have already posted three posts today,and i want to write more...my mind is so fucked up right now. billion thoughts 2008-10-17T14:46:00.001+05:30 there’s billion thoughts storming in ma mind Is there a GOD? so waht are we but a mockery some experiment he plays games we are toys God laughs as he watches our lives until he gets bored If everything is GOd's plan then why death is spread through sex and nearly everything gives you cancer How to recognize the eyes that lie? ppl who betray,play me to tame the plague of slander seduce the beast whilst god feasts and live in the love you hand him within it all or maybe under someone snores and roars with thunder seven pence nonsense this is all too raw for me I just want to live within your face where all the words are free there’s a true child and a cold hand in a battlefield with will to stand Tequila 2008-10-17T14:33:00.000+05:30 no one who likes the Tequila's can be all bad well, maybe good-bad but not evil the naked truth 2008-10-12T22:21:00.002+05:30 The following is based on actual events.The names,locations and events nothing have been changed. If the following post hurts anyone then please try to see that i tried to write the truth.Hope u understand.There's no rain this time...it's uncensored talk.You have been warned. Yesterday night at hit's party after having some 60 ml drinks,Somehow we started talking about girls and virginity. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A:if you deflower a girl,man.. you're the man. No one can ever do that again. You're the only one. No one, no one, has the power to do that again. hit: Right. The way I see it. My outlook on the situation. It's like getting fame, you know what I'm saying? Say you was to die tomorrow right, fifty years from now all the virgins you ever fucked are gonna remember you. Right? They gonna tell their grandkids about that shit. H: Virgins. I love 'em. No diseases, no loose as a goose pussy, no skank. No nothin. Just pure pleasure. Me: Why you do this? A: For the same reason ..other men do it. Me:Don't u regret it,just using all those girls like things. hit:bro,we ain't raping them.They want us to deflower them.Some are complicated, like the Da Vinci Code, except harder to crack. H:it's the economics of the arrangement.it's Intimacy without intricacy. Me:Why do they do it..and you use them..it feels a bit strange ..that's all.I never think of girls that way. hit:You fall in love that's why.. Me:Don't you?? hit:I loved once, now it's just lust. H:I was like you too,but when she ditched me..i changed.You will change too with time.... Me:hah..you are wrong..i am stronger than you all.I don't think of them as peices of meat.It's coz of guys like you(pointing to hit and H) that girls think nice guys like me have those intentions. H:hit you know,this guy turned down a blow job from this girl, mid-blowjob. You know how hard that is for a man? It's called blue balls. He's like Gandhi! But better - he likes puppets!Stupid..asshole. hit:How can you do that vicky?You gay or what? Me:I love "You know whom" and i will never cheat on her. hit:you fuckin fuck..,she doesn't even love you..open your eyes..njoy the world..taste the cherry. A:Okay, okay, okay, pump the brakes. H:yeah man leave it..he will understand us one day.All of us are like this.You can't deny what you are.It's inside you.It will come out one day. Me:You really want to have this conversation? Do you really want to have this conversation? A: i said leave it..damn it.WE are here to party..stop man.Let's talk about something else. hit:[pouring whisky in glasses]Alcohol is the answer to life's all problems. A:come morning your headache will remind you.. After that we just had our dinner and came back home.But it got me thinking ...not if i didn't knew..but this time i felt how screwed up the world is. Not only these but majority of guys i know(even the married ones) are like that.They cheat on their gf and wives.I was listening to them yesterday and all that time i was thinking...have all the men become animals..or they were always like that?? I love myself for what i am and i know i will never change.I don't want to be an animal like them.To tell you the truth i never get sexually attracted to girls(guys/animals..u dirty mind)for me it's all about character and love.Am i living in a illusion ??maybe ..but i am happy like this.I would rather die then be like them. take care guys [V] fairytale moments 2008-10-11T00:21:00.001+05:30 a starry night,crawling patiently deceptive calmness all around dreams of heavenly mansions and gardens these dreams, the fairytale moments she & me, coffee & rain wet leaves and swirling haze of an instant evocative and fantastic if only it happened !! he talked again 2008-10-08T23:56:00.001+05:30 Me:You came. Even though you're about to break. That's a good sign. He:(silent) Me:Well what do you want? He:You. Me:Well we better talk then. Me:So... Why did you come? He:You got anything? Me:Depends on what you want. He:Uh, some more time. Me:Can't help you. He:You're gonna give up and die, is that it? [me does not answer] He:you are a royal pain in the ass about to get a fucking slap. Me:I appreciate that but I can't help you. Why can't you forgive yourself? He:Are sins... ever forgiven? Me: ...I've never tried. He:You mean?...”Never tried"... He:Well, I'm gonna try. Me:Stay where you belong; in my memories! He:I will... never be a memory! Me:Stop running! I know.Even is you find that she doesn't love you. Maybe something will happen that can never unhappen,But you need to think about career now, really take it in.Let her go.Look at you, you think you've got it so damn hard. Well you hate being alone so let people in. Sure you might not answer the phone, but I don't see you throw it away either! He :Don't piss in my pocket and tell me it's raining. Me:But for me this is all over. I'm getting out. What was true then is true now. Have a plan. Stick to it.I mean, work it out, mate. We're in the wrong fucking game. He:Oh, I know you're still there... cause I can feel you dying. I can hear you tapping me... for a little nutrition. Now who's looking for a fix? It gets a little tight in here, do you? Well, you're not wrong... cause the walls are moving in. No food here. Not today, sunshine. My eyes are open and the restaurant's closed. Jog on. Slide off. Find someone else to fill your pipe. Someone, who won't see you coming... or know, when you're there. Me:Now try to get this straight: there is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. Just air. He:Oh, you don't mean that..Do you love her? Me:YES! But don't hold that against me, I'm a little screwy myself! He:You're a sucker to go through with this.you think everything will take care of itself. Me:Why don't you just fucking rape me? He:people don't get me either. [smiles and fades away] He was once like a lush green forest,alive with love and happines. but love burned him down to the ground. The stigma... it's a symptom of love infesting the body. When he trys to eliminate it, it overcompensates. Inside his body there's a current, like the White Blood Cells. That current is what fights off any malevolent intruders. In this fight "he" might devour "him". the Truth?? 2008-10-08T11:54:00.000+05:30 If u feel it ..then comment,else just hop somewhere else You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like. There's a lot of ugly things in this world. I wish I could keep 'em all away from me. That's never possible. There is something about you that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason we wake up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the shitty puss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please, think I'm special. We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. We all like a bit of the good life - some the money, some the drugs, other the sex game, the glamour, or the fame.Life consists of routine, and then more routine.The hip-hip-hoo-fuckin' rah. Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on you crazy diamond, because we're just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others.You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it. You know I remember someone saying, "If you've seen one you've seen 'em all". ==== p.s. ==== This post was inspired by the movie "Revolver" ! Kick Ass Award 2008-10-06T21:43:00.005+05:30 Last few days i received some awards... Oxy gave me Brillante Weblog award! mayz gave me Blogging Friends Forever Hope gave me Blogging Friends forever,Million Dollar Friend and The Spreader of Love Awards! Sister Sameera gave me Thoughtful Blog Reader,Certified Honest Blogger,I love your Blog,A perfect Blend of Friendship awards! Preeti gave me i love you blogger award ! Hugs to you all.I will not thank you..coz i know i deserve these ;) hehe anyways jokes apart...i distribute these awards now :- Beauty and the BEast gets I love your Blog,Certified Honest Blogger,i love you blogger and Brillante Weblog award. Zubin brother gets Brillante Weblog award and Blogging Friends forever. miss hope gets Certified Honest Blogger and I love your Blog. miss enchanted gets I love your Blog,A perfect Blend of Friendship and The Spreader of Love. Big brother oxy gets I love your Blog,Certified Honest Blogger,Thoughtful Blog Reader,A perfect Blend of Friendship and Million Dollar Friend. apna bhai Sidgets Thoughtful Blog Reader,Certified Honest Blogger,I love your Blog,Blogging Friends Forever,A perfect Blend of Friendship and Million Dollar Friend. my clone mayz gets Thoughtful Blog Reader,Million Dollar Friend,I love your Blog and The Spreader of Love. a great friend runnerfrog gets Thoughtful Blog Reader,Certified Honest Blogger,A perfect Blend of Friendship and Million Dollar Friend. natkhat preeti gets A perfect Blend of Friendship,Blogging Friends Forever and Million Dollar Friend. miss French Cess gets Thoughtful Blog Reader,Blogging Friends Forever,Brillante Weblog award and i love you blogger. miss priya gets Blogging Friends Forever,i love you blogger,I love your Blog and The Spreader of Love. think tank Farah gets Thoughtful Blog Reader and i love you blogger. the textual offender "che" gets I love your Blog and Certified Honest Blogger. mr.ceedy gets I love your Blog and Certified Honest Blogger. miss Cinderella gets Thoughtful Blog Reader,i love you blogger and The Spreader of Love. Princess mia gets i love you blogger,I love your Blog and Certified Honest Blogger. and i save the best one for Sameera you have got all the awards so i asked my sis to make a new one..and you are the First recipient of this award the kick ass Blog award. All the credit for making this award goes to rain girl hugs sis.You receive all the awards i have :D If i forgot someone..please let me know. take care guys hope you njoy your awards and no one should use the words thank you,thankx,10q's as a reaction to this post. P.s. ==== All awards have been posted on the Right. an old post 2008-10-05T09:59:00.004+05:30 On request of a friend i have to post this...i hate it when i lose a bet :( so here it is an old postYoung me it rained again 2008-10-04T02:13:00.000+05:30 some played games he was played like a card words spoken,a heart broken drowned in his own tears mending a tattered heart lingering memories he likes to be alone lost in rains pain is dripping down again “A box of rain will ease the pain,and love will see you through.” The Grateful Dead quotes Hollow Chapter 2008-10-02T00:19:00.003+05:30 A sad collection of words. 6 years ago he was nearly finished,a devastating loss,it broke him and wiped out all his innocence,that loss dawned a new him,somewhat changed and steady.Phoenix like he arose and set forth upon his dream.He endured many catastrophes but none so grave as the one which faces him today..Love. Some label it the infatuation,others call it a childish crush. But he still holds on...he wants to move on but he can't.He believes in being true and selfless.He never wanted the things to be this way..he didn't plan anything. In this hollow chapter now he has started to plan a lot,trying to rectify his mistakes.This chapter began in 2006..he didn't saw it coming.He wanted to do Mba but he had to take up MCA.He didn't want to but had to.He missed all his friends who left the college after Grad.He was still here doing his masters.Daily he saw those places where they used to sit and chat all day...it was hard on him.Teachers were worse..classmates like "sheep" he was so alone,lonely-soul.Then he thought he has found love.He thought she loved him,so he told her(Jan 17-18) but he was mistaken (here's a little of the conversation that day) She:"forget that we talked today..okay" He:"okay..i will but (her name) tell me did u ever had a crush on me" she: "yeah..umm..in Grad days yes...i liked you a lot" HE:"In grad days..hehe what did u see in me?" she:"talking to you,spending time with you..i started liking you" He:"Then y didn't you say something??" she:"Vikku i knew nothing could happen.You don't know my parents.I told myself at that time that if in future you come and propose i will say no." He:"we still have two years of study left...you stay with me..we will sort things out." she:"No i can't.I have to oblige to my parents wishes" He:"take your time think about it.." she:"i have..please u concentrate on your studies and forget about this.." He:"we will stay friends as before??" she:"No..not now..as now i know you have feelings for me.." He:"please keep talking to me..i feel so helpless and miserable when you don't pickup the phone." She:"Ohh i will..bye " (she didn't said sweet dreams this time) he lost one of his best-friend(So much for "Honesty is the best policy")that day.She never talked the way she used to--a friendship lost to love. He missed her each and everyday.Each day was ugly.He lost his sleep.He thought of diverting his mind...he thought if he had money there never would have been a problem of caste,he read a lot of books..started studying whole day and night..but still she never went away.He would close his eyes and there she was...mirror eyes and smiling as beautiful as ever.He napped 1-2 hrs a day for next 3 months (Feb,march,April).He came to blog ville in between and started writing all the things happening around him. He tried calling many(5-6) times but she didn't pickup.He understood.He didn't call but kept on sending messages to her.She never replied.No calls and communication. she got a job in "Wi*ro" on march 17 and she didn't tell him that day..he came to know of it through a common friend...she called(the common friend had told her to) next day to tell him that she got selected.He acted as if he was so happy...and congratulated her.the call lasted less than 2 minutes. next time she called on his birthday...he waited waited and waited..at last her call came on 7:11 p.m. and he was not happy that she called so late.He didn't talked to her as he should have.He still hate himself for that.Didn't even call her back..this stupid ego.well days passed as he blogged everything ...the betrayal by his friends,the exams and normal stuff.A friend from Australia called up sometime in mid-feb and told him to come to Australia..he refused..friend asked again in may..he started thinking.He ain't enjoying this MCa.He ain't having fun here.He has been battered and betrayed by the ones he trusted.So he opened up completely to his friend and told him he can't come on his own..he has no money.His friend agreed to help me out and so he had a new goal and new direction now.. Meanwhile she got selected in TC* and again he came to know through common friend.She didn't care to call him this time.Then came the 8th June..her birthday..he was so happy..he called her at 12:09 (she was busy before) wished her and they talked for about 2 and half minutes.He was so happy ..after disconnecting he thought he has not wished her properly....So he called her again next afternoon and sang three lines "happy birthday to you,.." "happy birthday to you" "happy birthday dear (her name)" "happy birthday tooooo youuuu" he was so happy again :D no calls were exchanged after that..but on 1st of July she was online and they chatted..he was destroyed by the words she typed.It was like someone among your own murdered you without flinching..He was so miserable that day..another soundless crack on his heart wall.He thought what had he done wrong?loving someone??he couldn't understand..he still doesn't.He wrote her one last e-mail..writing his heart out...he doesn't even know if she read it before deleting. cried to sleep on many nights, those swollen eyes... The lesson this Hollow chapter gave him -- one-sided love is something closest to hell.He has learned how to really cry,though he didn't want to. he feels like a moth, a moth attracted towards fire He still loves her.This ain't the first time i said that..but the last time will surprise you all..i am grey and white and still loving her. He's still here doing Mca,somewhere down there he knows there is hope.The hope to be successful and make her mom proud. Here he's now unburdening his heavy heart here for you all to see. The monsoons are gone..so are my rainy posts,maybe next monsoon will bring them back or some rainy day. was this love meant to be lost?? pain comes back to remind me heart drives me one day we will meet like in the dreams i see Take care guys and thanks for reading my hollow chapter..it means a lot to me.Ask anything if u want to(except her name).I am all yours ppl. My love 2008-09-29T07:40:00.006+05:30 My love for her has left me with a sense that time has become deranged.sometimes i am carried along by currents of love between fantasies and actuality,between "then" and "now" with amazing ease. caught between him and her,i don't know what it is to be happy :( -=========- The TaG -=========- I was tagged by PHOENIX 1. Name five of your all time favorite movies. Hindi ones : Maine Pyaar kiya Jaan-E-Mann: Let's Fall in Love... Again Mughal-E-Azam Dil Chahta hai Rang De Basanti English Ones : SAW Face Off REVOLVER rocky Munich and i have to name this too,one of the most loveliest movies i have seen The NoteBook 2. Name one movie which you recommend as a "must see". Peaceful Warrior 3. one and only one movie that you have seen many times.[watching on TV wont count] REVOLVER 4.which movie comes to your mind when i say funniest? American Pie 5.which movie made you really emotional? Parzania 6.which movie series was as interesting as the first part? Final Destination 7.which movie didnt, according to you, live up to your expectations? Hancock --low level 8.which movie surprised you? I'm Not There and i TAG Sameera preeti hope enchanted Oxy siddharth mayz Zubin ==== P.S. ==== you have read the tag but that doesn't mean you can escape not commenting about the three line above :D another thing...i have a Guitar Now (thanks to Shikher) cheers :D waging conflict 2008-09-24T09:15:00.000+05:30 "try grasping perpetuity? It’s on the far side of my intellective preposterous gray matter." poetic eruptions inside have crossed the breaking point love songs are solace for abandoned heart shattered spirits they sleep around to forget forced through this rain,a lonely soul drenched down again frozen heart burning in the pain fed up, exhausted, and devoid need understated strength of coffee and unuttered agreement to watch the falling raindrops her face her eyes and her stare aimless and dreamlike forced through this rain,a lonely soul college = boring 2008-09-23T03:57:00.001+05:30 college for me has been boring after my graduation but my stay there has taught me to appreciate the fundamentals of time there is art for dealing with the boredom of 6 hours of college the art of putting your mind somewhere else while the seconds slowly tick away. All the people who are bored here have perfected their own individual art. take me I know rule number 1 "the watch is the enemy" the basic rule is this... the more you look at the watch the slower the time goes. you have to uncover the hiding place of your mind and stay there every second this is the basic art in dealing with your boredom in college then there's "Rajiv Ghai" rajiv thinks of himself as a sincere student i think of him a sheep as i think of all the other classmates you see in first sem Rajiv complained to our HOD and the poor guys internal marks were slashed for that Rajiv is on the back foot ever since never complains just does what they tell him to Manish is also a sheep Now,Manish and Rajiv are good friends between them they have come up with a very diff. way of dealing with their time at college there's is an art of doing anything that ain't going to hamper their marks like sitting in class or lab college management's theory is that even though they can't control me they can control all others coz they know that they won't say a thing, they fear for their marks so i am the only opposition they face and i am very painful pain in ass ;D the decision is always an easier one if i agree or if i don't object then they are so happy but when i object they win ultimately but they know they didn't win over me the art of doing something else other than what your are supposed to do is so addictive... i am supposed to go to college i don't i am supposed to respect these teachers i don't i am supposed to follow rules i don't i am supposed to be behave like everyone else i don't it's just the excitement of doing something u shouldn't be doing along with the consequences you may face once you do it are so strong that it often pulls me away from everything else i usually get reported for what they call "coming to college after 2 months" :D It is the stupid teachers and their low intelligence that sends me on these quests. But i know what i am capable of and what i can do. and i know that they know that too ;D . **** P.S. **** Mom's away for 10 days in Punjab it's gonna be party time each night at home ;D going to have some drinks after a gap of two years this is gonna be fun. How i landed up in blog ville 2008-09-21T00:48:00.004+05:30 Guys don't pull my leg for this post.This is what was going through my mind in March this year. I was always thinking about her,with someone else,it felt like someone was trying to strangle me.someone told me to delete all her pics,i tried,selected the folder, pressed the appropriate button,a message window appeared but I clicked "No". I just couldn't fall asleep anymore.The more i tried to sleep,the less tired i felt I was wide awake.I tried everything.I've had become immune to sleep.I suddenly found i had 8 extra hours.My life had been extended by a third. i wanted to pass the time quickly but instead i was forced to watch the passing by of every minute & every hour. I stopped going out and taking calls,i house-arrested myself.I was so low-down and out.i wanted the hurt that i felt to go away but in some cruel trick of events i had even more time in my hands--more time to think about her. sometimes i sat on the roof i watched the landscapes slowly change as it clung to last hour of sunlight. before leaving me to yet another sleepless night Then i started to read all the books i wish i had time to read with the extra hours i even had time to re-read my fav ones but she was never far from my mind. i could feel a faint shift in a faraway place a current of unknown consequences was on its way moving towards me like an unstoppable wave in stormy sea it was getting obvious that i needed to do something with this time.So on 3rd april i decided to start blogging as a gift to myself on my B'day ;D During the time most normal ppl are sleeping.i was busy killing my time,i gave net my extra eight hours and it gave me rain ville. * Present Day * it's raining for last 34 hours heavily this is the haunting period. the time when demon of regrets comfort you. Threesome 2008-09-17T06:46:00.001+05:30 1. messenger of the misery wandering in darkness Nights without mornings like a parasite feeding on my soul rains of fire,icy cold waves hitting my heart burning and freezing at the same time how do you describe this feeling?? 2. something in me not responding not breathing not throbbing not feeling not healing it's something for love for grace for rain for pain i plead for it to choose & set me free to fly live or die i cry live or die i cry 3. the rain brought alignment say i'll move on say i'll forget it say i'll work hard say i'll reach far say i'll make it big say i'll have it all say i'll fall in love again say i'll start all over again. i cry 2008-09-15T00:58:00.003+05:30 i cry for me..no, for a tormented soul basking in pain, with or without rain weeping itself away through these puffed eyes I cry for my mothers tears the ones she crys for her husband for loss and death for the memories I cry for my sisters hugs she's far away living all alone working hard missing me and home I cry for a girl I loved, the one that left the she i knew, coz i can't forget i need to go away leave you alone forgetting those times I cry for him for all the regrets in his life how he feels when he misses his dad how he suffers within himself I cry for the one who's trapped within how he tries so hard his dry,dull mask and benightedness I cry for the innocence within those eyes the one that fades away I've already lost mine I cry for the children and their dreams the time they have is all that is now i cry for what I couldn’t mend the coldness,the tingling she in my dreams this dent on my heart sometimes i cry for shooting stars that no one sees. these fu*king terrorists 2008-09-13T22:02:00.004+05:30 pic courtesy http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/ I just saw the news about delhi blasts. 20 dead till now in 45 minutes.And SIMI takes responsibility.It was their operation..bastards...they call it "BAD". I am so enraged at these fuckfaced ppl right now. Ceedy also talked about 9/11 in his latest post. it's a shame just because ppl wear clothing different and follow a diff. religion they want to kill them in the name of their GOD..assholes. Who slaughters an innocent life and then calls themselves a warrior of God? An psychologically unstable piece of shit. You can scream "Praise Allah" all you fucking want, but in the end, allah(if he exists) is going to send you straight to the fucking pits of hell, where you will fucking burn for eternity, you sorry excuse for a human being. I hope all you fucking terrorists rot. The Terrorists are a bunch of cowards, they hide behind Women and Children, hide under Hospital Beds, hide in old folks homes, hide under a Woman's Berka. These are brave fighters??? Give me a break. The USA and Israel are Brave fighters. Fighters that have a decent moral conscience.They think they are going to be Martyrs and be surrounded by 72 Virgins, what kind of senseless people are we dealing with here?? I don't hate anyone more deeply in my life. I wanted to stab their eyes, hit them in the forehead with an aluminum baseball bat using all my strength, and sledgehammer red hot iron spikes into their evil brains via the ear. I have never seen worse pieces of shit passing themselves off as human beings in my life. You psychos and those who call you martyrs deserve zero mercy. You terrorists make me support the idea of a nuclear first strike, just to open your sunken, dopey eyes and knock some sense into your dehydrated desert brains. and who pays fop their actions...innocent ordinary "sharif" people.Just heard from my mom's cousin(she resides in delhi).2-3 kashmir guys who lived on second floor in her building have been taken by the police. My mom was also leaving for delhi tomorrow ....now she won't be for another week.All these hassles because of these shitty people. This is nothing but negligence on the part of intelligence agency. They are not taken to task by Home Ministry. The Minister will just pay the condolences to the suffered families and make the public fool by sweet words. Home Minister should immediately resign and the concerned officer should be taken to task.We are being fooled by the politicans like Mulayam singh, Lalu and paswan. I have always firmly believed in Gandhi's India but now I understand why Nathuram Godse didn't like Gandhi's Policies.What Nathu Ram Godse could foresee in 1947 ,Gandhi just turned a blind eye to that. So our countrymen will have to be careful against this war against India. These incompetent politicians will do nothing except selling their motherland, so our countrymen will have to be vigilant and hunt and weed out the terrorists from within our society.It is high time for the public to getup kick the selfish politican out work for the welfare of Mother India. Make special court for terrorist and simply death penality be awarded who plays with the life of innocent people. Wake up india wake up before it is too late. My condolences to the families of the victims. Its just another day in India. Indian government should not 'react' it should 'act'. I hope people behind "BAD" are caught quickly and sent to hell. amen something about her.. 2008-09-12T23:24:00.001+05:30 saw an picture today buried under forgotten thoughts that day at friend's house when we last met it's been 2 years now I didn't know that we will meet for last time something about that day something about her smile something about those eyes something about her hair something about that voice something about her face rain,i can almost feel it in my face strolling down. -=========- Awards -=========- [the awards are to your right] Rockstar Award goes to :- rain girl preeti enchanted illusionz cinderella. princess mia che Brilliante Weblog goes to :- rain girl sameera runnerfrog mayz lover priya hope Blogging friends forever goes to :- runnerfrog gagan mayz phoenix sameera please accept these and stick them to your blog. take care and have fun. :D Twosome 2008-09-12T00:55:00.006+05:30 -=======================================- There's -=======================================- there’s a snot in the room there's the endorphin there's the body pains there's a rain drawing nearer there’s a unconventional dream here somewhere there's this speculation about her there's this sound of raindrops inside and outside. -==========================================- still here -==========================================- [I went to Rudrapur today,it was raining] In the mall i saw lights warping shadows of her in the faces of girls she's still here she's playing within these pains, slowly they told something inside me unfolds I thought of that day first practical in college and the delay,the night,the bus, and the blanket you engrossed yourself in and all that stolen time now who should i go talk to who's voice should i fall asleep to who should i call "hitler" //*V smiles*// whom should i sit with who's lunch should i steal who's here to help me heal? leavings of what she was to me still endures. ==== P.S. ==== The awards that i have been given i will be posting them soon and i will announce the lucky receivers too. the one 2008-09-11T10:18:00.003+05:30 tender voice,a feather's touch, of one not there, the one invisible in thoughts raindrops kissing soft hair, soft palms,heavenly eyes, of one not there, the one invisible in rains puffed eyes,unseeing all raindrops playing with heart he's the one right there the one with rainy thoughts outstretched arms,awaiting a hug broken spirit,forgotten smiles he's the one right there the one waiting in the rain. keep on walking 2008-09-10T23:16:00.002+05:30 Ain't no precious in pain at last it's been explained Just keep on walking underneath the rain and pick one drop to keep Cause no one can possess the nature of things recreating big -Bang 2008-09-10T09:48:00.006+05:30 It is the most ambitious and expensive civilian science experiment in history, based on the biggest machine that humanity has yet built. It has sparked alarmist fears that it might create a black hole that will tear the Earth apart, and it has triggered two last-minute legal attempts to stop it. And this Wednesday, after almost two decades of planning and construction, the project in question will finally be under way. "The first attempt to circulate a beam in the LHC will be made this Wednesday, Sept. 10 at the injection energy of 450 GeV (0.45 TeV). The start up time will be between (9:00 to 18:00 Zurich Time) (2:00 to 10:00 CDT) with live webcasts provided at webcast.cern.ch." . "As far as we know, a very long time ago there was an enormous amount of energy that suddenly created space and time as we know it," Bob Orr, a physics professor at the University of Toronto, told CTV Newsnet on Tuesday. "This energy degraded itself into a lot of particles, and these are the particles we see around us that make up matter. So, the stuff that you're made of is quarks and electrons that were produced in this Big Bang." Beneath the foothills of the Jura mountains, in a network of tunnels that bring to mind the lair of a crazed Bond villain, scientists will fire a first beam of particles around a ring as long as the Circle Line on the London Underground. This colossal circuit, 17 miles (27km) in circumference, is the world’s most powerful atom-smasher, the Dollar 10 billion Large Hadron Collider (LHC), created at CERN, the European particle physics laboratory near Geneva. Some 10,000 scientists and engineers from 85 countries have been involved. In the years ahead it will recreate the high-energy conditions that existed one trillionth of a second after the big bang. In doing so, it should solve many of the most enduring mysteries of the Universe. This extraordinary feat of engineering will accelerate two streams of protons to within 99.9999991 per cent of the speed of light, so that they complete 11,245 17-mile laps in a single second. The two streams will collide, at four points, with the energy of two aircraft carriers sailing into each other at 11 knots, inside detectors so vast that one is housed in a cavern that could enclose the nave of Westminster Abbey. The detectors will trace the sub-atomic debris that is thrown off by the collisions, to reveal new particles and effects that may never have existed on Earth before. The amount of data expected from the experiments will be so huge, CERN will use 60,000 computers around the world to help calculate the results. It's called the LHC Grid. One of the first scientific discoveries is likely to concern a theory called supersymmetry. Tejinder Virdee, of Imperial College, London, who leads the Compact Muon Solenoid (CMS) detector team, said: “What supersymmetry predicts is that, for every particle you have a partner, so it doubles up the spectrum. You have a whole new zoology of particles, if you like.” Theory suggests that if supersymmetry is real, evidence to confirm it should emerge quickly from the LHC, possibly as soon as next year. “If it pops up it’ll be quite easy to see,” Professor Cox said. Such a discovery might also help to explain dark matter, which is thought to account for much of the missing mass of the Universe. Only about 4 per cent of matter – galaxies and the like – is visible to our telescopes. “In this new zoology, the lightest super-symmetric particle is a prime candidate for explaining dark matter,” Professor Virdee said. Discovery of theoretical particle called the Higgs boson, which has never been detected, but would help explain why matter has mass. The search for the Higgs could take longer, though it depends on the particle’s mass and thus the energy of the collisions in which it might be found. If it is at the heavier end of the possible range, the discovery could take as little as 12 months. A lighter Higgs would take longer to find, as the particles into which it would decay would also be lighter and harder to track. Other potential discoveries include evidence for the existence of extra dimensions beyond the familiar three of space and one of time, and the creation of miniature (and harmless) black holes, though these are less probable. “Most of us think we’d be very lucky to find these things,” Professor Cox said. There are two more detectors. The LHCb will investigate why there is any matter in the Universe at all, while Alice aims to study a mixture known as quark-gluon plasma, which last existed in the first millionth of a second after the big bang. It is true that the LHC might generate black holes, but these would be minuscule and would decay immediately. As the physicist Michio Kaku has said, the LHC has as much chance of ending the world as it does of producing fire-breathing dragons. Scientists have been using particle collision devices for 30 years without incident but concerns have arisen over the LHC because of its size and power. A report was written by five CERN physicists, who were told to review a safety assessment written by colleagues in 2003 that also gave the project the green light. “Nature has already conducted the equivalent of about a hundred thousand LHC experimental programmes on Earth – and the planet still exists,” the report says. The beam will be circulated at injection energy (450GeV) and not accelerated to the design collision energy. Even if they did circulate beam in both directions *and collide them* (a separate activity) the total energy of collision would still be less that half of what the tevatron at Fermilab, USA, has been doing for many years. If *that* were a problem we'd already be The LHC is one of the most exciting experiments of this or any age, yet the thing most people now know and remember about it is a frivolous half-truth. That is a pretty depressing indication of the value we place on science. The saner voice of science is shining through, however, as Valerie Jamieson, deputy features editor of New Scientist, explains on her blog. “Scale the cosmic ray sums up to cover the 100 billion stars in the Milky Way and the 100 billion galaxies in the visible Universe and you find that nature has already made the equivalent of 1,031 LHCs. Or if you like, 10 trillion LHCs are running every second. And we’re still here.” Hadron This is more than an excuse for a geeky physics joke – “Is that your hadron, or are you just pleased to see me?” Hadrons are particles with mass, made up of quarks that have been bound together Dark matter Only about 4 per cent of the Universe is made up of visible matter. Another 25 per cent is “dark matter” – which can be inferred from its gravity, but cannot be seen. The remaining 71 per cent is still more mysterious “dark energy”. The LHC could shed light on what dark matter is, possibly through discoveries about supersymmetry Extra dimensions We are all familiar with four dimensions – three of space and one of time. But some theoretical physicists suggest that there could be as many as 26. Most physicists find these every bit as hard to visualise as normal people, but they make mathematical sense courtesy http://press.web.cern.ch http://www.timesonline.co.uk http://www.ctv.ca my predictions... they are going to find out that they were wrong about something. Personally to the utter chagrin of the scientist running the show they are going to prove that String Theory is right after all. Here's a video for the ones who didn't understand anything above ! It's the LHC YO ! Large Hadron Collider 2008-09-09T19:45:00.003+05:30 This is again for enlightening of you all! Why i believe in science so much is the reason for me too post this one.... read on... Massive physics experiment on Wednesday 14:10 AEST Mon Sep 8 2008 8 hours 11 minutes ago Particle physicists believe they will throw open a new frontier of knowledge on Wednesday when, 100 metres below ground, they switch on a mega-machine crafted to unveil the deepest mysteries of matter. The most complex scientific experiment ever undertaken, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) will accelerate sub-atomic particles to nearly the speed of light and then smash them together, with the aim of filling gaps in our understanding of the cosmos. It may also determine the outcome of novel theories about space-time: does another dimension - or dimensions - exist in parallel to our own? After nearly two decades and 6 billion Swiss francs (.6 billion), an army of 5,000 scientists, engineers and technicians drawn from nearly three dozen countries have brought the mammoth project close to fruition. At 9.30am (1730 AEST) on Wednesday, the first protons will be injected into a 27-kilometre ring-shaped tunnel, straddling the Swiss-French border at the headquarters of the European Organisation for Nuclear Research (CERN). Whizzed to within a millionth of a per cent of the speed of the light, the particles will be the first step in a long-term experiment to smash sub-atomic components together, briefly generating temperatures 100,000 times hotter than the Sun in a microscopic space. Analysts will then pore over the wreckage in the search for fundamental particles. "We will be entering into a new territory of physics," said Peter Jenni, spokesman for ATLAS - one of four gargantuan laboratories installed on the ring where a swathe of delicate detectors will spot the collisions. "Wednesday is a very major milestone." The LHC is massively-muscled machine compared to its CERN predecessor, the Large Electron-Positron (LEP) collider, and an ageing accelerator at the legendary Fermilab in Illinois. It has the power to smash protons or ions - particles known as hadrons - together at a whopping 14 teraelectron volts (TeV), seven times the record held by Fermilab's Tevatron. The leviathan scale of the project is neatly juxtaposed by its goal, which is to explore the infinitely small. Physicists have long puzzled over how particles acquire mass. In 1964, a British physicist, Peter Higgs, came up with this idea: there must exist a background field that would act rather like treacle. Particles passing through it would acquire mass by being dragged through a mediator, which theoreticians dubbed the Higgs Boson. The standard quip about the Higgs is that it is the "God Particle" - it is everywhere but remains frustratingly elusive. French physicist Yves Sacquin says that heroic work by the LEP and Fermilab has narrowed down the energy range at which the devious critter is likely to spotted. Given the LHC's capabilities, "there's a very strong probability that it will be detected," he said. Some experts are also hopeful about an early LHC breakthrough on the question of supersymmetry. The supersymmetry theory goes way beyond even the Higgs. It postulates that particles in the Standard Model have related, but more massive, counterparts. Such particles could explain the unsettling discovery of recent years that visible matter only accounts for some four per cent of the Universe. Enigmatic phenomena called dark matter and dark energy account for the rest. CERN Director General Robert Aymar is confident the massive experiment will yield a correspondingly big breakthrough in penetrating these mysteries. "It is certain that the LHC will yield the identity and understanding of this dark matter," he said in a video statement. CERN has had to launch a PR campaign aimed at reassuring the public that the LHC will not create black holes that could engulf the planet or an unpleasant hypothetical particle called a strangelet that would turn the Earth into a lump of goo. It has commissioned a panel to verify its calculations that such risks are, by any reasonable thinking, impossible, and France too has carried out its own safety probe. Either way, the end of the world will not happen on Wednesday, for the simple reason that the LHC will not generate any collisions that day. These will probably be initiated "in a few weeks" as part of a phased programme to commission the LHC, testing its equipment and evaluating work procedures before cranking it up to full strength, said Jenni. Looking at the daily mountain of data that will have to be analysed, "it will take weeks or months before one can really hope to start discovering something new," he cautioned. "The LHC is more than a machine. It is the intellectual quest of our age," the British weekly New Scientist said in this week's issue. "With luck... today's physics textbooks will start to look out of date by the end of 2009." courtesy news.ninemsn.com some of you may say that it may create a black hole....ehehe They wouldn't just have to create a black hole. They'd have to create a big enough one which didn't just disappear. I think it's highly unlikely. I'm not a particle physicist (I know a bit about it) but I don't honestly believe they'd do something which where it could be very dangerous. it's an amazing experiment, and I cannot wait for the results. Testing has already started, by the way. http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00dccnr/ this recent documentary is a pretty good watch, and does address the 'black hole' stuff. Talks about why they are doing it, etc. rain stained heart 2008-09-07T23:13:00.004+05:30 I can't find a starting point to break into the rain stained heart can't quite grip, or hold on, I'm not quite awake enough for this dream the thoughts and twinkling of the stars promises of sin and spring, the moon that smiles and wont let me sleep tossing and turning in this big black lonely soul, which swallows you whole they call it the night... reserved for romantic couples and alike moon is again out along with the wind resting my head on it’s shoulder whispering out pains my feet turn lame I breathe in a ghost. under my thoughts- a giant thinking about his responsibilities under my eyes- dark reminders of forgotten sleep my choices,my mistakes 2008-09-07T04:52:00.009+05:30 A smell of change, felt it on the breeze rainy days have passed she is slipping far like a raindrop released by the cloud such a small price to pay to shine like the sun to fly like an albatross to taste the glory, i will chase what i want i am the creator,the destroyer, the angel,the devil of my story I can be the King or the shepherd my choices,my mistakes is all that it takes. -=====================================================- THE TAG phoenix tagged me.Thank you.It's my second tag :) -=====================================================- I am - Mr.V,Mr. I Have My Own Plans,Mr. Bad Attitude(in a nutshell i have thousand personalities, thousand tricks up my sleeve,thousand reasons to believe,thousand reasons to lie,thousand reasons to fly,thousand reasons to sleep,thousand reasons to cry,thousand reasons to laugh,thousand reasons to live,thousand reasons to die,thousand reasons to write and thousand reasons to stop ). (*devilish grins* that was totally random..ehehe) I hate - backstabbers-backbiting people,my enemies(there's 1,and he'll die) and religions. I hear - compliments :D & careless whispers ! I sing- Ay Kya Bolti Tu...hehe :D I cry- when i watch movies :( I write- whatever my gray matter(or whatever is left of it) tells me to do. I always- at home and thinking about a lot of things in my life. I dont always- say what i want to :) I listen- James blunt,Linking park,Dido,Coldplay,Boney m,Enrique....too long to type. I can usually be found- in my room sleeping ;) I am happy about- my choices (an irony that i am unhappy about them too). i tag hope,cinderella.,preeti. -=====================================================- P.S. Got my IELTS result I got 6.5.I expected more from myself though. Anyways i got it without any coaching or practicing past papers. One of my friend did 1 month coaching and practiced daily.. for what??5.5. I am so happy but i know it could have been better. Don't forget to follow me and become one of my enthusiasts. Take Care and have a nice day :) GOD...any proof ?? or a fake?? 2008-09-04T13:32:00.012+05:30 Most of you will not like me after this but i have to say what i have to.Before commenting please read previous post i made on this topic along with comments( else just leave) -> Religions A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be. Albert Einstein Most of what we do is governed by whether there's evidence or not to prove it's existence. We claim there are no unicorns or flying garoods because no one was proof of them. We know the world is not flat because there was no proof to prove otherwise, until someone proof was given by sailing around and circumnavigation, and much later through space exploration.It's all about what makes sense. In the same way, there's no way to prove that God exists, the burden of proof is on those who believe in him. If he is here prove that he exists, otherwise he simply doesn't. There's no empirical evidence, without that God believers are just living in matrix. Ok think about it for a bit. There is some "holy" being who somehow has the massive reserves of energy to create the entire universe. wow, that is so plausible. In some form or another, every civilization that we have records of, have had all forms of different gods or god. From polytheistic to monotheistic, they all believed in something that came after they died. That's all gods and religion really are, humans not wanting to believe that it will end. I'm not necessarily saying all religions are scammers or liars, except scientologists of course, just that they are natural humans giving in to natural human behavior. some points i make : 1. If God created the universe, than the universe must be an artifact (i.e. something that was created) There is no scientific or naturalistic evidence for claim (besides faith which should really count for nothing). 2. To say that God created the universe would be to say that He is the only known uncaused cause. By that, I mean that religious faithful always claim that God has no cause, so why can an atheist not suggest that the original cosmic soup resulting in the big bang was an uncaused cause as well. Apparently God defies the scientific causal principle, and is the only known thing to have done so. 3. God is all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful and yet he permits the suffering of innocence. God knowingly, willingly, and purposely allows the suffering of innocent children on a daily and global basis. This includes, and is not limited to, Darfur, South African apartheid, the Holocaust, poverty, AIDS, the Invisible Children, and so many more. He loves these children, yet witnesses their destruction even though he is powerful enough to intervene. 4. There is no way for humans to transcend language to ascertain the omnipotence of a theistic God. All terms and explanations for God are derived from the human language and is taken as Gospel. How is it possible to transcend this human artifact (i.e. language) to ascertain that there is really a God? We cannot, it is not possible. 5. Religion is the opiate of the masses. Ignorant and close-minded fools are pacified by the "need for salvation" because men are "inherently evil". I choose to disregard these foolhardy comments and embrace the beauty of being human. Humans are naturally weak and suck at the tit of those powerful tyrants who have always oppressed them, from biblical times to the present scenario. Religion is nothing but a controlling technique that limits true empirical evidence by manipulative and harmful means. This is why religiosity yields war, and those who are stupid enough to follow are slaughtered by the thousands in the name of some higher power (God, Allah or many of the other synonyms) On a final note, if I am incorrect and this is, after all, God's world which is a deciding factor for His eternal life, I would rather have no part of it. If the best God can create is a dysfunctional melting pot of sin, suffering and violence, than I am more than content to disown myself as a child of God. He could make all believe in Him at the drop of a hat....Why not try me then? faith definition here is a definition from one online dictionary 1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability. 2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact. 3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims. 4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty. 5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith. 6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith. 7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles. 8. Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved. In a nutshell...to belief without having any evidence to justify it. Interesting how there is a very linear correlation between education/intelligence and rejection of mythologies to explain the world. Interesting how the religious will not hesitate to take their sick loved one to a hospital for the best medical technology which is a byproduct of science and rationalism. Interesting how scripture is loaded with violence and intolerance, conveniently ignored (by most) to focus on the nice parts. Interesting that no religious leader is willing to take on the atheist intellectuals (Dawkins, Hitchens etc) in a debate. Belief in a supernatural deity is a cultural artifact of our history; very understandable origins. It's now well past the time for it to go. Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? -Epicurus speechless ..ey? 2008-09-01T22:32:00.009+05:30 This will be a long one Part One -->usual stuff ! Part Two --> the subconsciousness chats ! Part Three --> tag of desktop and quotes !Thanks To sis sameera. enjoy guys ! -==========- {Number One } -==========- These days the earth and coldness of it that rain from her direction attitude pulled up forcing the pain beneath smiles life moves on fighting the demons of misery the majestic sway of grass vacuity of lapsing days like eyelids coming down a lunatic singing and listening those love songs even the moon appear lethargic particularly in deceased night a nonexistent commitment like the thrilling quality of these twinkling points of light like the ornament of pain in the rain something in what the darkness does to these twinklers something in what the rain does to the heart. -==========- {Number Two} -==========- the juice of love and he drank it in those days the memorable ones he used to weep the way people weep when tortured inside grasping,fighting finding the way still hasn't stopped -=====================- {TaLKs with subconsciousness} -=====================- I am standing up I am listening I have been low for too long now I was lost in his dreams time to reclaim myself from him it's time for transition the ideas are glistening sub:" You are weakling." Me:"I know i am.so what..ever1 is." sub:"I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be?" Me:"I'm tired of this one sided relationship. It doesn't matter what went wrong, because frankly, nothing did... That is just it; Nothing did...! So, I'm cutting all ties; no more thoughts on her or the non-existing relationship. I'm going to move on and think of all the other possibilities out there; people, places and things to do. It's been nice knowing her and if our paths cross again, then so be it... Life must go on... No worries...its been many a moon!!!" sub:"Simple maybe, but not easy. " Me: "i can try.." sub:"If only I could be sure you're as honest as you sound, but then with a collar around your neck... it's hard to tell whether your throat's blushing from passion or deceit. You should stop and be ashamed of what you are doing. The dignity of your love is at stake." Me:"Do not mistake my love for your pride. Do not be afraid of the truth, if you don't want to be a slave." sub:"The truth will kill you! " Me:"It will set you free. " sub:"You know, fuck you... I guide you so don't give me any crap! " Me:"I'm not scared of you." sub:"You really shouldn't have said that." Me:"you've got to relax." sub:"Don't you tell me to relax, goddammit!You're a coward.You don't talk to me like that. You understand, traitor?" Me:"I understand the kind of pressure you're under. Only unfulfilled love can be romantic." sub:"No, you are in the dark where a sword is just a long knife. you'll beg for me to guide you to light." Me:"I prefer the dark." sub:"what's the matter? You ain't scared?" Me:"Of course I'm not scared." sub:"Picture this,You have no real family, you're on the wrong side of 30, childless and alone. Somebody close to you said " it's over for you now." Me:"Somebody said they were close to me? " sub:"I can't help you now.one day you'll be a dying star. A white dwarf headed for a black hole. That's physics. It's inevitable. " Me:"Till that day i will live with no regrets..taking on anything that comes my way.You will watch me conquering each and every obstacle on the path.Join me and i'll take you on a roller coaster ride." sub:"I won't push you..." Me:"Yeah, I'd appreciate that. " Now, the only person who could make a difference before, will make a difference again! yeah you guessed it right that person is ME! -===========- {My D3SKTOP} -===========- Downed it from Deviant some 5-months back haven't felt the need to change it. it's so unique...i love it. -============- {Favorite Quotes} -============- 1. The great essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. — Unknown. 2. Moral fiber. So, what is moral fiber? It's funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds, basically being a fucking boy scout. But lately I've been seeing it differently. Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean. You know what? It doesn't matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That's what moral fiber's all about. 3. what's the craziest thing you've done lately? 4. If you argue correctly you are never wrong. 5. It's so easy to think about love, to talk about love, to wish for love. But it's not always easy to recognize love, even when we already hold it in our hands. Would you go for someone who loves you but for you he's only a friend or would you rather go for someone you love but for him you're only a friend? You have to give him a second chance because you love him. And because whoever said that "plenty of fish in the sea" thing was lying. Sometimes, there is only one. 6. Love? It's kinda complicated but I'll tell you this... the second you're willing to make someone else happy, that's love right there! Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love coz you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall. Just when you think you've got it all figured out, you do the dumbest thing you possibly could... you fall in love. 7. "In certain extreme situations, the law is inadequate. In order to shame its inadequacy, it is necessary to act outside the law. To pursue... natural justice. This is not vengeance. Revenge is not a valid motive, it's an emotional response. No. Not vengeance. Punishment." There are more i like but for now i think seven are enough !!! BtW this was my first tag and i loved it.Hope you guys enjoyed my talks with my subconsciousness! I am tagging Gagan,Preeti,Phoenix,hope,cinderella. and Mayz. 36-carrat diamond 2008-08-31T00:37:00.003+05:30 In the darkness he lives, the loveless and the lovelorn. Sometimes it's like i am already in hell made a reservation unknowingly long ago love is like a 36-carrat diamond-studded solid gold riddle. There's some part of me that cannot accept that i should give up... i remember how happy i used to be. i need to restore it.To change things i would need to change myself first.i have a gr8 career ahead of me and in my heart all i want is peace.when i die...i want to die knowing myself.i got things to go and places to do I need to smile a little and let sunshine in life is good..i just need to see it. already on the verge of the brink maybe i am not reading the situation exactly right. how much can i live with how less can i die with I ask "So does time changes you?" he whispers "sure,u grow older" screwed 2008-08-30T00:46:00.004+05:30 my sis from Canada says that i am ruining my life and i am ruining it myself? she says be friends with her... tell her that u have moved on should i lie? ..i am so screwed.. i can't shoot the puppy IELTS Exam 2008-08-29T02:07:00.003+05:30 i didn't read any book or course material...just launched straight into it. Why should I study for an English exam? All my life i have been studying English in school,colleges,wasn't that enough to prepare me for this exam... that's what i wanted to check..so i went without even lookin at past papers. on 21 i had three exams,listening,reading writing. Here's how they went: we were given 40 minutes for listening, i was done with it in 30. the headphones were cool...infra-red ones. First time i had seen them, they told us to put them on 5 minutes before the exam And i was surprised to hear a Ghazal by Jagjit singh.. i was like WTF?it's an English exam ..play me some english one anyways when the tape was over ... i transferred my answers on the provided answer sheet. there were 40 questions i think i got 35 right. then we had the reading test ... i had to answer some questions based on passages. 1 hr was given..i finished in 20 minutes again i got 35 right i think. but time just won't pass... we were not even allowed to go outside for a minute so there i was lookin at others,who were busy reading passages. i was feeling so sleepy. anyways at last i was handed the written exam question paper we were again given 60 minutes there were 2 questions.. 1. i had to write an application 2.i had to write an essay i completed both in 40 mintes i was literally asleep by the time exam got over. anyways the last one was speaking module it was held in a resort on 23rd i was so confident that i would get 8 band in this. i was led to room no.219 and there she was my examiner..Deepa Dogra as i sat down she turned on the recorder and initial introductions were done she asked about my background my study..and why i was giving this exam. then it was time for cue card. the cue card topic was was above my level. it was--History of britains museums and artifacts i had to speak for 2-minutes continuously on it, and had to cover 3 topics. 1.king Arthur 2.Queen Elizabeth iii 3.something famous from britain i had seen a movie on king arthur some 2 years back i spoke a bit i knew from that experience for third question i spoke of east india company and i stopped, a pause of 8-9 secs or more..i am not sure the examiner couldn't say anything as the recorder was on.she pointed her finger to the Queen elizabeth .. i had to speak but i knew nothing about her so i said,... she was a beautiful woman.had three sisters.. was loved by church ..bla bla... this is where i think i lost my bands... the result would be out on 2nd september .. hope i get something around 7. I really need it. back in rains 2008-08-28T12:42:00.005+05:30 back to rainville dark black clouds rumbling noises falling raindrops a thought sounds of lightning strikes the wind,the smell,the rain At last no sun,no sweat, all pain. an unexpected change of events calls for an unexpected change of my mind sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep all day unpolished and battered swallowed by confusion i need someone... someone to cheer me up someone to uncork me someone to make me sleep someone to hold me tight someone with those hugs someone with that touch someone to take a shower in my mind He can't understand what it is but i bet it is. he makes a face & says "Vik you need to be colder than hypothermia to walk on this path". Mr.noplan 2008-08-18T23:56:00.008+05:30 voluminous love can feed hunger the hunger of deeply demanding mind now he's like Mr.noplan Mr. nowhere there ain't no destination the path ain't clear even the sweets are sour no gleam,no glow,no happy show in time what's love he will know there's no tellin what can happen.... joyce said "The best proof of love is trust." he trusts her...but does she?? Friendship often ends in love...he thought so too. If there exists anything like souls, then the ingredients of, hers and mine are the same. wish I wasn't crying all the time, but... I am.All i want is her to be with me. y am i so selfish?is it rain?is it my ego? ps :- Soon it's his big day. is he ready for it?... am i ready for it? he has to get up in d morning he'll catch the bus to jalandhar,Punjab he has his exams on 21st (three of them) and 23rd. he won't be here for few days and he doesn't know when he'll come back best of luck to him for the exams.He needs to pass it,to runaway from land of rains and pains. he will miss all of you...i don't know what he'll do all these days without u guys.. shit...he's so attached to this place..a week off would really hurt him. With sleep dust still in my eyes i am off to sleep now.Hope he sleeps too...have a long 15 hour journey ahead. tc guys will be back in 7-8 days..keep rocking and miss me and rains. :) rainy times 2008-08-17T05:54:00.007+05:30 the sound of the rain crashing down mowing this polluted town rainwater is all around it moves rhythmically on the ground rain-drops producing sounds lovable to mind rain engulfed horizon he watches it with coffee in his hand on incomputable rainy days on incomputable rainy nights ah.. these rainy times in rains he dreams of the love streams bathing in thoughts acting like a mime feeling low and high both at the same time ah..these rainy times beneath a thousand drops he stands to absorb???to release??? how can i know what he thinks he's not the him i knew Mr.wild and free,Mr.heart of gold locked like a cage,sold for a dime breathless i rhyme ah..these rainy times he patiently punishes himself thinking of those times trying to finish the puzzle with all the pieces he can find living those tragic moments,the tragic loss that stuck dagger tore more through his heart can rain dilute this? ..this what he feels. ah..these rainy times wave after wave of rains washes away the pains he needs to get out of these trains still he refrains pain drains thorough the cracks in his heart eyes weep tears seep ah..these rainy times P.s. Here's a quote from the movie "Amazing grace" "why is it that you only feel the thorns in your feet,,when you stop running." y that is ..I'll never fully understand. craving for luv 2008-08-15T16:09:00.008+05:30 these thoughts are like crackers the innerspring shatters and he places his head against the wall, remembering those days of fun and fall no route no path b/w myself ahh..the dirges of missed love To cover his thoughts he trys to refurbish this broken heart this vast unending overgrowing craving for love engulfing overpowering drowning him, filling the heart upto the brim slowly scratching the inside walls, looking for relevance malls does he believes? in himself, his cause? looking at the horizon having no destination. I hope he can convince me. P.S. --read this quote somewhere and had to share... ""Once hanged man feels invincible twice hanged, and he finds truth learns to keep reptile eyed friends at arms length."" somewheres in the rain and wind 2008-08-12T16:09:00.019+05:30 somewheres in the rain and wind they come to him in his dreams whispering secrets of the feeling of what he has seen there he walks once enslaved unable to speak fully now free he examines and anatomizes every fragment of his stuck-up life, looking for the drops of rain it's fragile in a way distance isn't but he wouldn't know that, all he know is it isn't a parking lot, In the dark alleys of his heart he stands there holding own hands as the rain falls it's business as usual he stops attending calls rain cutting down his face making realms bathed in pain, as the drops play cards on his dreams somewheres in the rain and wind decepting him in the mind as a black and white photograph of a man cigarette dangling, beer glass in the left hand each arm perched on the shoulder of a woman even then it doesn't wash off it never will traveling on the backs of moments and i slowly follow him to a place called privy place that eased my anguish the embrace of a dear friend he wants more from life than memories i've had so many dreams somewheres in the rain and wind a giant thinking about his thoughts still looking for his treasure doesn't know what he is doing he knows now that colourful ties can only get him this far so it's time to remove these shoes and walk back into his own backyard he huddles around sometimes sleeps on the ground he was expendable not necessarily the one that was needed monsoon rain 2008-08-11T15:55:00.008+05:30 in the clouded haze the concern of expecting drops the sound of first drop kissing the earth drenching in the rain these moments i could live forever there all these diamonds riding on the wet leaves burnt heart smolder tingle and shiver in a monsoon rain she slips as a whisper these moments he leans in firmly she her n Lov 2008-08-09T15:36:00.007+05:30 as he sensitively touches at this fragile pain there’s portion to fill and memories to meet under all this stinging prestige Few,they know where to float the place they are meant to rise he hopes to be among those few but..when will the moment come, the moment for him to dash away free the length waiting upon his groping hands living in the thoughtland in-between the pains and Rains he always extends his stay his stupid lonely soul is dying the only respite he has- is crying just another hole left open just another wish not granted just another hour on the clock just another minute passing by. stumbling over words about me,myself,i,she,her & love. riots of emotions 2008-08-06T17:49:00.004+05:30 i don't 'think' i am a 'thought' i is somebody,not me,the me they see thoughts born,live and die, i watch and i listen this grey matter of mine like to play tricks sometime... these visions of her, always ruling my mind she is my Queen of spades, that fabulous sea-mermaid she's fine and she's here, she's smiling and she's laughing i sight,i hear,i see,i feel and breathe in them shame on these electric pulses in ma mind, also tell me she's not here. i had nothing but 'heart' on me, you took it all away... who would save my soul now, finding comfort in pain I'm so cold from fear... a symphony stirs in the depths, waves of love were the starting, cyclones of pain are the ending... oh,the riots of emotions... ahhh.. tears and rain I have totally forgotten what salvation is like, still drinking from my broken cup.. so?? 2008-08-04T16:48:00.007+05:30 it flows from spout to porcelain and it hasn't rained like this in days i'm a cold sweat in an awkward pause but we all fumble for perfect words where's the phrase thats going to turn her as they all delve deep into pockets for the scrap of paper carved with passion that will no doubt ease their longing another toast(milk) to this wet plant who knows without knowing the blindest eyes can hear the truth we miss between syllables but no ones blessed or rested we're all just serving time and you can't dig forgiveness without fucking up the perfect crime another sleepless night of memories 2008-08-03T02:24:00.012+05:30 Those days those times drowning in delight didn't look at my watch once pretend you heard it in a movie, no time passes like the time we passed it up and night talks have a way about themselves. i can't fade the moments Me won't let Me you with me bloody, messy romance it clings to me, Always i feel the pain I've put you through but i'm in love with only You you not with me now a fact that gleams the way the memory replays itself begins to hurt my eyes and my muscles like a burning I still dream that someday wind will back me, And she'll embrace me as her own I'll think back on all I've left behind Laughing, thinking on all I still have can't quite grip this, suspicious eyelids blinking to keep the light out in turn taking leave of boundless love, i'd shudder to think of how but tomorrow there'll be loneliness, and it all seems darker now i think love is like sand, the way it behaves as it falls through hands. this Road was never meant to end these who are Strangers now, were old friends. i think that i have cried in the past couple of days over some such silliness that left my life so hollow feeling this isn't a poem it isn't a story,it isn't anything creative i hope that i'm dumb sometimes and i just don't see the shit going to cry myself to sleep with the light off... stupid stupid nearly forgot to wish my dear ones.. Sid,Ashu,Mujji,Anshu,Akhil,sheetal,shilki and sukku. i know you are always there for me whatever happens. Happy Friendship day to all of you. i remember 2008-07-28T11:23:00.016+05:30 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Playing in the rain The peace of mind And joy of heart I remember first day of college \\ Aug 2003 watched "Tere naam" \\while my classmates were ragged ..haw haw that spoiled brat i remember small class 32 students 6 rows 2 columns i remember the teddybear the hitler the sisters i remember skipping lectures failing maths hating teachers i remember the little canteen the birthdays the soft drinks,the pastry's the cornettos i remember the lunch breaks the fighting for my mom's maggi sukku's lassi,Akhil's dhokla, shilki's red-chilly achar,sheetal's sandwiches i remember and even the bus Where we should have fallen in love those fights,the "ram-ladoo's" i remember She wanted to say but didn't have the nerve A half smile crosses my lips I remember. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ P.S. It was supposed to be more Wherever you are There's far too much of me in there. poem for "naina" 2008-07-27T02:10:00.007+05:30 Yesterday i logged on for a regular session And I met this girl there there were messages and more messages she wanted me to write her a poem after reading my blog so here's what i thought.... Friends don't call her name they sing for her, how lucky she is to have them surrounding her like a fur morning jog, window-shop,dancing are her trades, betrayals,traffic-signals,policemen are all she evades had a crush once and that was all, so fortunate as love is the one that makes you fall. she hates the gym as it wastes her time, won't even trust you for thousand dime her dreams are big, hopes are high, she wants to a designer designing other lives. p.s. to नैना miss, i wrote this in "रैना" :D sob sob!!!!!i want those outfits for me!!!!![cry loudly]uuwwwahh!!!! we 2008-07-23T08:54:00.000+05:30 we see them in the convenient store We see them on tv We read about them in novel books some appear in magazines some look at you in the checkout line some hang out in the mall some become the stars of movies few hang posters of them on their walls you know its true The ppl i am talking about are just like me and you ! the day that was Today :) 2008-07-22T01:29:00.000+05:30 Dark Clouds in d sky Looking like mountains monsoon time it sure is it bucketed down it thundered the lightning the wind the heavens opened up my fingers moving fast on my cell me:-"hey batra! let's have some chicken !" batra:-"Sure m8! come over" (huge crack of thunder followed by a lake of water falling outta the sky) me:-"on second thoughts.....forget it!" oh the cruel twists oh the pain the smell of that chicken that i could have had... :( fuck this monsoon.. and then and then i dunno me stuck for words must have been that lightning hit i took re arranged my molecules can't remember anything whats my name whats my number cmon V get it together man this be yer blog how was the day?? fuck the lightning how was the workout today? v? v? hello is there anybody out there? knock knock transmission interrupted insufficient credit for withdrawal please contact your bank please call home earth to v earth to v beep beep beep this page has expired v is dead long live v ! moody today... 2008-07-21T15:29:00.000+05:30 there i was yesterday with my trusted confidants (Akhil,shilki and sheetal) spilling the beans they know everything my homies access all areas no remote inkling grazes the perimeter of my mind than do i not rush to tell them all sometimes i am on a roll and feeling rather good i run to look at you just like a pop star would but you just stare right back those dark accusing eyes they say u look good....... you don't realize. my friend mujji said to give you his regards regardless any way I've spoiled you all now with all this tripe and i'll be rite back tomorrow same V time same V channel ***** baby //(can't use her name here) kiss kiss kiss and please ppl don't take drugs send em to me :D //joking guys joking...